I’ve seemed attracted to guys for almost 4 years now but I’ve never admitted to anyone in my life before that I’m gay. This is my first year in high school and I really like some of the people that I see…
I really don’t know any of them (because I’m so shy) but I always find myself following them and staring at them.. I can’t help it.
I think my family and friends have hinted that they know that I’m gay but I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone that I am yet.
What should I do?

Answer:

Thanks for writing! Its great that you are thinking about and recognizing your feelings over the last few years. While I wouldn’t stress about trying to figure it all out right away — there’s no rush — coming out is a step to thinking about once you have gotten to a point of comfortability with your sexuality.

If you feel that you are ready to “come out” — which is something only you can know when is right to do — you should continue to think about whom you might want to tell, as you have been. Maybe you want to start with a close friend or someone who you know who is also LGBT. Maybe a counselor or someone who you have feelings for if you know that he is gay, or maybe a family member or members that you trust. If you really do think your friends and family have been dropping hints without suggesting that its a “big deal” that you are gay, then its probably not a big deal if you let them know how you have been feeling. Coming out can be a very freeing experience because it relieves yourself of having to keep the secret and hiding a significant part of who you are. But is also important to consider some questions before you do, like what it feels like to you to keep your sexuality a secret. Does it make you upset or angry, distant from friends or relatives, stressed, or sad? Do you worry that if you told your friends or parents that you were sexually attracted to other boys that you would be unsafe physically or emotionally? Some people decide that if they came out to their parents that their parents might kick them out of the house or get physically violent, and so they decide to wait to come out until they are older and not living with their parents anymore, or alternatively they have a backup safety plan (somewhere they can live) in case their parents reacted badly. You might also want to think about the environment you live in. In your town in New Jersey do you know any openly LGBT people and, if so, what’s has been he general reaction in your community?

Again there is NO rush in coming out! Just think about it in case there comes a time when you do want to consider it. If you find yourself in that position and have any questions you might want to consider taking a look at this link: Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out. You can also call the Trevor Life Line at 866-488-7386. So remember you aren’t alone in having the feelings that you do. Don’t stress about rushing to a decision if you aren’t there or letting others know, but if you feel confident in your sexuality determination and have thought through the issues above coming out might be the next logical step — maybe reaching out to one or two people first, if not everyone, and then if that goes well, after a while expanding the circle of knowledge.

Trevor Staff

Hi,

Iv gone through allot in my 19 years I have been alive. I just need someone to get some stuff off my chest And know what I should do to help myself.

First off I’m a very manly man I have played football all my life so doing this isn’t really my thing. I have always been kept my emotions inside. Get hurt on the field you keep it to yourself. You get emotionally hurt keep it inside. This is what I have lived by all my life and its sucks.

I have always put others emotions in front of mine. I make sure others are ok before I listen to mine. I have never showed my emotions to anyone. The few time I have to my friend were when my friend committed suicide and when they rolled him out of the church in a casket I knew it was the last time I’d ever see him, and when my parents got in a car crash on my senior night of football I cried when they announced my names and had to walk with my coach. They were completely fine. Besides those times I haven’t shown anyone anything.

I have allot of friends, but never anyone I can go to talk about these things with. I just bottle up all the pain an anger I have experienced. People have always made fun of me for my weight. I’m just a big strong guy but ever since I was little people have made fun of me. I always just smiled and laughed it off, but it hurt it really hurt me and I was so young and didn’t get why they would I’d that to me. I considered these people my friends and they did it to me,

Iv been with allot of girls when I was in high school. They always seemed to make underhand comments like I was stupid or I was never good enough. I had decent grades all my life when this happened it just made me feel like I was nothing, because I trusted these girls I mean I had strong feelings with them and for them to do that it just broke me, but I never let it show.

The biggest thing that hurt was when my gf of 2 years cheated on me. We had such a great relationship. Yes there were ups and downs but nothing bad. Then one day she went to a party and the next day I knew something was different. When she told me I was literally sick to my stomach and couldn’t do anything. But once again I had to keep it in because I was at school and my team was depending on me. I literally ate on Monday and wouldn’t eat for the rest of the week. It literally felt like I had a whole inside me. This went on for two weeks I was breaking down inside, but couldn’t show it. I tried to talk to her and try and see if something was still there, but she was just a different person after that. She wasn’t the girl I fell in love with. I did everything for her and was always there for her it just blew my mind for so long.

Then one day I met my gf I have now. Man did she make me feel great again. Like I finally showed who i truly was to her. Yet I never could fully committee do to what happened. One day I saw texts from another guy on her phone I only got to see some of them when she took and deleted them. As soon as that happened ingot angry and just distrusted her. Tey may not have been important but those were the only ones she’s deleted. Overbite next 3 years I went back in forth from trusting her to not trusting her. Then anger came into play. I get so angry sometimes and it’s not her fault at all. I can jut snap real quick and say things I don’t mean. I say them but on the inside I think what am I doing why are you doing this to her she downstream deserve it. God I have never cried so hard or seen someone cried so hard like her and I we have been through allot together and it mainly my fault because of what people have done to me before.

I’m just scared to death because she knows everything about me that just scared the crap out of me, because no one is as close to me as she is. If she ever did anything like what happened before I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know of I could handle it. I try and push her away because I am afraid of being hurt yet I love her so. Much that I want her close and to tell her how I feel. It’s been an ongoing battle for 3 years. And it’s to the point where I have worn her out by how I am I’m just so paranoid and afraid that I can bring my self to just trust her and be ok.

I know she would never do anything like that, but I just can’t give in and let her fully in. Iv had the greatest time of my life with her. Indont want to lose her over my insecurities. I just feel helpless sometimes.

I hope this makes sense and you can give me some good advice.

Thank you

Answer:

Having emotions is a normal part of human existence and it may not be healthy to keep them all bottled up forever. It sounds like you have had some pain in your life, but at the same time a lot to be proud and happy with too. Its great also that you were able to open yourself up to your present girlfriend and show her who you are. It seems that is the way to building a healthy relationship — letting her see the true you. It also makes sense that you have trust issues, given what has happened in the past with your last girlfriend, but as you admitted yourself, it sounds like you need to let go and trust your current girlfriend if you are truly going to connect and build a life together. You said that you know she wouldn’t put you through what your last girlfriend did, and it sounds like you have been together for quite some time now.

To work on your relationship it seems you may want to try to work on your anger management and fears as well. I would exercise, try counseling or talk to someone about this, and potentially search the web for some other good advice on how to deal with anger management and fears of a partner cheating (perhaps like this link here: http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/anger-dealing-with-betrayal) to help yourself get past these thoughts. It may be helpful to remind yourself that you need to work on your relationship by getting over the fear and anxiety as well as anger buildup, as it seems that these have the potential to harm your relationship in of themselves even without any of the fears themselves coming to fruition.

Relationships always take work, but it sounds like you have a great one and just need to keep working at it.

Trevor Staff

I’ve seemed attracted to guys for almost 4 years now but I’ve never admitted to anyone in my life before that I’m gay. This is my first year in high school and I really like some of the people that I see…
I really don’t know any of them (because I’m so shy) but I always find myself following them and staring at them.. I can’t help it.
I think my family and friends have hinted that they know that I’m gay but I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone that I am yet.
What should I do?

Answer:

Thanks for writing!  Its great that you are thinking about and recognizing your feelings over the last few years.  While I wouldn’t stress about trying to figure it all out right away — there’s no rush — coming out is a step to thinking about once you have gotten to a point of comfortability with your sexuality.

If you feel that you are ready to “come out” — which is something only you can know when is right to do — you should continue to think about whom you might want to tell, as you have been.  Maybe you want to start with a close friend or someone who you know who is also LGBT.  Maybe a counselor or someone who you have feelings for if you know that he is gay, or maybe a family member or members that you trust.  If you really do think your friends and family have been dropping hints without suggesting that its a “big deal” that you are gay, then its probably not a big deal if you let them know how you have been feeling.  Coming out can be a very freeing experience because it relieves yourself of having to keep the secret and hiding a significant part of who you are.  But is also important to consider some questions before you do, like what it feels like to you to keep your sexuality a secret.  Does it make you upset or angry, distant from friends or relatives, stressed, or sad?  Do you worry that if you told your friends or parents that you were sexually attracted to other boys that you would be unsafe physically or emotionally?  Some people decide that if they came out to their parents that their parents might kick them out of the house or get physically violent, and so they decide to wait to come out until they are older and not living with their parents anymore, or alternatively they have a backup safety plan (somewhere they can live) in case their parents reacted badly.  You might also want to think about the environment you live in.  In your town in New Jersey do you know any openly LGBT people and, if so, what’s has been he general reaction in your community?

Again there is NO rush in coming out!  Just think about it in case there comes a time when you do want to consider it.   If you find yourself in that position and have any questions you might want to consider taking a look at this link: Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out.  You can also call the Trevor Life Line at 866-488-7386.  So remember you aren’t alone in having the feelings that you do.  Don’t stress about rushing to a decision if you aren’t there or letting others know, but if you feel confident in your sexuality determination and have thought through the issues above coming out might be the next logical step — maybe reaching out to one or two people first, if not everyone, and then if that goes well, after a while expanding the circle of knowledge.

Trevor Staff

Hi,

Iv gone through a lot in my 19 years I have been alive. I just need someone to get some stuff off my chest And know what I should do to help myself.

First off I’m a very manly man I have played football all my life so doing this isn’t really my thing. I have always been kept my emotions inside. Get hurt on the field you keep it to yourself. You get emotionally hurt keep it inside. This is what I have lived by all my life and its sucks.

I have always put others emotions in front of mine. I make sure others are ok before I listen to mine. I have never showed my emotions to anyone. The few time I have to my friend were when my friend committed suicide and when they rolled him out of the church in a casket I knew it was the last time I’d ever see him, and when my parents got in a car crash on my senior night of football I cried when they announced my names and had to walk with my coach. They were completely fine. Besides those times I haven’t shown anyone anything.

I have a lot of friends, but never anyone I can go to talk about these things with. I just bottle up all the pain an anger I have experienced. People have always made fun of me for my weight. I’m just a big strong guy but ever since I was little people have made fun of me. I always just smiled and laughed it off, but it hurt it really hurt me and I was so young and didn’t get why they would I’d that to me. I considered these people my friends and they did it to me,

Iv been with a lot of girls when I was in high school. They always seemed to make underhand comments like I was stupid or I was never good enough. I had decent grades all my life when this happened it just made me feel like I was nothing, because I trusted these girls I mean I had strong feelings with them and for them to do that it just broke me, but I never let it show.

The biggest thing that hurt was when my gf of 2 years cheated on me. We had such a great relationship. Yes there were ups and downs but nothing bad. Then one day she went to a party and the next day I knew something was different. When she told me I was literally sick to my stomach and couldn’t do anything. But once again I had to keep it in because I was at school and my team was depending on me. I literally ate on Monday and wouldn’t eat for the rest of the week. It literally felt like I had a hole inside me. This went on for two weeks I was breaking down inside, but couldn’t show it. I tried to talk to her and try and see if something was still there, but she was just a different person after that. She wasn’t the girl I fell in love with. I did everything for her and was always there for her it just blew my mind for so long.

Then one day I met my gf I have now. Man did she make me feel great again. Like I finally showed who I truly was to her. Yet I never could fully commit due to what happened. One day I saw texts from another guy on her phone I only got to see some of them when she took and deleted them. As soon as that happened I got angry and just distrusted her. They may not have been important but those were the only ones she’s deleted. Over the next 3 years I went back in forth from trusting her to not trusting her. Then anger came into play. I get so angry sometimes and it’s not her fault at all. I can jut snap real quick and say things I don’t mean. I say them but on the inside I think what am I doing, why are you doing this to her, she doesn’t deserve it. God I have never cried so hard or seen someone cried so hard like her and me.  We have been through a lot together and its mainly my fault because of what people have done to me before.

I’m just scared to death because she knows everything about me that just scared the crap out of me, because no one is as close to me as she is. If she ever did anything like what happened before I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know of I could handle it. I try and push her away because I am afraid of being hurt yet I love her so.  As much as I want her close and to tell her how I feel, it’s been an ongoing battle for 3 years. And it’s to the point where I have worn her out by how I am. I’m just so paranoid and afraid that I can’t bring myself to just trust her and be ok.

I know she would never do anything like that, but I just can’t give in and let her fully in. I’ve had the greatest time of my life with her. I don’t want to lose her over my insecurities. I just feel helpless sometimes.

I hope this makes sense and you can give me some good advice.

Thank you

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Having emotions is a normal part of human existence and it may not be healthy to keep them all bottled up forever.  It sounds like you have had some pain in your life, but at the same time a lot to be proud and happy with too.  Its great also that you were able to open yourself up to your present girlfriend and show her who you are.  It seems that is the way to building a healthy relationship — letting her see the true you.  It also makes sense that you have trust issues, given what has happened in the past with your last girlfriend, but as you admitted yourself, it sounds like you need to let go and trust your current girlfriend if you are truly going to connect and build a life together.  You said that you know she wouldn’t put you through what your last girlfriend did, and it sounds like you have been together for quite some time now.

To work on your relationship it seems you may want to try to work on your anger management and fears as well.  I would exercise, try counseling or talk to someone about this, and potentially search the web for some other good advice on how to deal with anger management and fears of a partner cheating (perhaps like this link here:  http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/anger-dealing-with-betrayal) to help yourself get past these thoughts.  It may be helpful to remind yourself that you need to work on your relationship by getting over the fear and anxiety as well as anger buildup, as it seems that these have the potential to harm your relationship in of themselves even without any of the fears themselves coming to fruition.

Relationships always take work, but it sounds like you have a great one and just need to keep working at it.

Trevor Staff

Dear Trevor, my name is Tyler, and I am an (recently) opened up gay 16 year old homeschooler in a Christian home. My parents are divorced, and just recently, I came out to them, OFFICIALLY. I put emphasis on the word “officially” because of something I’ll explain in a moment. I have a HUGE crush / like for a guy I knew. My parents refuse to allow me access to the Internet, so I found a loophole so I could make a fake email and have access to the Internet. What happened with this guy is a very hard situation. I went to this church (I was closeted at the time) and every Wednesday night, I would see him there. I was in 9th grade. From the second I saw him, It was like I was hit by a brick wall! His smile, personality, laugh, etc. I loved everything about him. I grew a decent relationship with him. (He was openly gay) I wanted to have a relationship with him, but at the same time, I only saw him once a week an couldn’t drive anywhere. (He was / is one grade older). This was in August threw December of 2011. He ended up being my first kiss. After our kiss, I kinda got annoying (I could tell) to him, in a way that he didnt want to hang out with me at times. (First crush, really young, etc) In That December, my parents found out and the last thing I said to him was “I love you” and left. I haven’t seen him since, or made contact. I feel Really bad for telling him that, because, yes, we had a good relationship (wasnt normal though, we couldn’t text), but I feel like I didn’t know him well enough to tell him something so serious as “I love you”. Now, I am out, and 100x more mature than I was, and I recently found him on Twitter. I made an account and followed him, hoping he’ll soon notice. I’m really nervous… There are some things I need to apologize to him for (things he wouldn’t have probably noticed, but they were big for me and have been on my chest since that December). I don’t know if be has a boyfriend, if he’s single, or if he’ll remember me. And if he if he does, will he be annoyed with me, like he was then? I’m a different person now, I hope he’ll give me a second chance. How do I introduce myself to him? Is it a good idea? I’d like to get to know him more and maybe hang out with him again at some point.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Tyler,

Thanks for writing in to Trevor. Relationships can be very complicated. Especially when it is the first time you are experiencing romantic feelings toward someone.  What you went through with your crush is completely normal as it was affirming your sexuality and feelings towards men.  Your actions with your crush were not hurtful so you should not feel bad about the things you did or said at the time. However, it seems like it would make you feel better if you cleared the air with him.

Since you haven’t spoken to him in a long time, maybe you should reach out to him in a very friendly manner and say something like, “Hey! It’s Tyler. I hope you are doing well. I know it’s been a long time since we have seen each other, but I would really like to catch up some time soon if you are up for it.”  If he says yes, you can go to lunch or something and get your feelings out in person and it might be an easier exchange of dialogue.

Whether or not you end up seeing him, don’t be hard on yourself for what happened in the past. Now that you are fully out and learning and growing as you get older, you will start to meet new guys and have strong feelings for someone else again!

Trevor Staff

Hello, so I recently developed a crush on this girl I know. I really look up to her and just enjoy her company. We have some mutual interests, so we’ve become friends. However, I feel kind of wrong being friends with her because I feel like I am some how taking advantage of this friendship by getting so much more out of the relationship. Every time we hug, I want to hold her longer. i enjoy the warmth and comfort I get when I’m with her. i giggle and feel more myself when I talk or text to her, but I no she doesn’t know I feel this way, so I feel like I’m violating our friendship. I primarily want to know what I should do. Should I step away and back off the friendship because it feels wrong of me to get so much more out of the relationship. Maybe talk to her but what if she doesn’t notice….I think I’ll just back off slowly hoping this crush will go away and if not well she’s graduating soon!

Answer:

Hi, I am glad you decided to contact AskTrevor. Having a crush on a friend is a completely normal feeling. You definitely should not feel like you are taking advantage of the friendship. You may feel like you need to back off if you feel as though you would like the friendship to progress into a relationship, and if your friend does not feel the same way, that my cause some you some pain. With her graduating soon, you will need to evaluate yourself if you feel as though you can enjoy the friendship and crush without her reciprocating. If you can continue the friendship, without causing yourself anymore internal turmoil. But you are in no way violating the friendship by being a good friend to her and being there for her.

Trevor Staff

Sometimes I go to school and I’m so scared because people always make fun of me because my voice is high and I talk like a girl and sometimes I believe them because I’m 13 and I still haven’t gone through puberty.  I’m beginning to think that I never will and also I’m trying to find ways how to tell my parents that I’m gay. I’m afraid of what their reaction will be.  Please help.

-Alex-

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Alex, you’re definitely not alone when it comes to bullying in middle school or high school.  It’s sadly an unfortunate part of growing up because most young people like you are still naive towards others who may be perceived as different or unique. Your reaching out the Trevor Project shows a great deal of maturity and strength.  While it may not seem like it now, it will get better with age.

You have a right to feel safe at school and no one has the right to make you feel bad about who you are.  Consider speaking to an adult at school such as a principal, school counselor, teacher, or administrator if you feel comfortable.  Let them know your concerns/fears, particularly if you are afraid that there will be a backlash from those people who are making fun of you if you told on them.  It is hteir job to make sure you and others feel comfortable in your place of learning.  Additionally, there are a number of organizations that work specifically in schools to address homophobia against LGBT students.  Check out www.glsen.org and click on “what we do” where you can find programs that can help others be more understanding and supportive of you.  Share this with a trusted adult at school who can help coordinate these types of events with you.  Regarding your parents and your desire to come out to them, try gauging how they may react by mentioning a gay character in a movie, television show or book.  Ultimately, if you do decide to tell them, make sure you feel safe and comfortable with the decision.  If you suspect that your parents may react very negatively and do something drastic, make sure you have a safety plan that will enable you to live comfortably (food and shelter) and continue going to school.   The decision of whether and when to come out is a very personal decision so consider all the options before making the decision.   You may want to consider telling a trusted friend or adult first for guidance and support.

There is a multitude of resources available to you on the subject.  Check out the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out) which may be of help to you.  Additionally, PFLAG is a great organization to help your family and friends with questions about your sexuality.  Last but not least, you always have the Trevor Project here for you.  There is our Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR, TrevorChat and TrevorSpace.  All of these are resources to help you if you ever feel alone or in need of someone to speak to.  Stay strong, Alex.  Things will get better with time and never be afraid to be yourself.  While there are many ignorant people out there who may try to put you down, there are countless others just like you and countless more who support LGBT people.

Trevor Staff

Hello, so I recently developed a crush on this girl I know. I really look up to her and just enjoy her company. We have some mutual interests, so we’ve become friends. However, I feel kind of wrong being friends with her because I feel like I am some how taking advantage of this friendship by getting so much more out of the relationship. Every time we hug, I want to hold her longer. i enjoy the warmth and comfort I get when I’m with her. i giggle and feel more myself when I talk or text to her, but I no she doesn’t know I feel this way, so I feel like I’m violating our friendship. I primarily want to know what I should do. Should I step away and back off the friendship because it feels wrong of me to get so much more out of the relationship. Maybe talk to her but what if she doesn’t notice….I think I’ll just back off slowly hoping this crush will go away and if not well she’s graduating soon!

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi, I am glad you decided to contact AskTrevor.  Having a crush on a friend is a completely normal feeling.  You definitely should not feel like you are taking advantage of the friendship.  You may feel like you need to back off if you feel as though you would like the friendship to progress into a relationship, and if your friend does not feel the same way, that my cause some you some pain.  With her graduating soon, you will need to evaluate yourself if you feel as though you can enjoy the friendship and crush without her reciprocating.  If you can continue the friendship, without causing yourself anymore internal turmoil.  But you are in no way violating the friendship by being a good friend to her and being there for her.

Trevor Staff

I have a friend who I think might be lesbian. She says she’s angry all of the time, but doesn’t know why. She comes from a very conservative family, and has told me that she thinks lesbian and gay people are unnatural and gross. We recently got into a fight, and haven’t talked in a few days. She wrote a poem about me for a class last night and left it on my desk. She attached a note to the poem that said, “You’re breaking my heart and I don’t know what to do about it.” It doesn’t explicitly say that she has feelings for me, but it seems pretty clear that she does. I am a very understanding and accepting person, and I want desperately to help her, but I don’t know how to approach her. I am worried that if I speak to her directly about her sexuality she will freak out and get angry at me or at herself. If I do approach her and expect honesty from her, I also feel like I should be honest with her. And I wouldn’t be speaking honestly if I didn’t tell her that I think I might have feelings for her as well. But again, I don’t want to scare her or ruin our already extremely tumultuous friendship. This situation has been going on for months now and it’s tearing both of us apart. All we ever do is fight, and I just wish we could be honest with each other and try to work things out directly.

Answer:

Hello and thank you for writing to us at here at AskTrevor. Having a friendship with someone you have feelings for (and/or someone who has feelings for you) can be difficult, but especially difficult when the other person might not be comfortable with their own sexuality. Your concerns about your friend and your friendship with her are very understandable.

It makes sense that you are hesitant to approach your friend about the situation, but considering that she wrote that poem and left that note for you, perhaps you could see that as her attempt at starting a conversation with you. In a way, she is already reaching out to you. This doesn’t mean that she won’t react in an angry or defensive way when you try to discuss your feelings with her, but it might mean that she will be a bit more receptive to this conversation than you might think. Try to approach her by telling her your honest feelings about the last few months of your friendship. You can tell her how difficult it’s been for you and how much you care about her. It’s up to you whether or not you want to tell her that you have romantic feelings towards her or not. I can’t predict how she will react, but do what’s best for you. If this is something you feel you need to get off your chest, then maybe you should take a chance and tell her. I wouldn’t be too afraid of messing up your friendship, because it sounds like your friendship is already deeply suffering, unfortunately.

I know you are mostly concerned about your friend, and perhaps you can encourage her to talk to a trusted adult or counselor about all of this, but please also make sure you have someone to talk to as well: a trusted adult, close friend, therapist, etc. Furthermore, if the conversation goes especially badly and you are worried for the safety of your friend, please do not hesitate to call the police and our hotline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor. Trevor Space could be a good resource for you as well, where you may be able to chat with other youths dealing with similar issues.

Here are a few helpful resources about sexuality for you and your friend to look at if you’re interested: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 , http://www.bisexual.org/ , http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf . And here are some resources about religion and sexuality, which might especially be helpful for your friend: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/FaithinourFamilies.pdf , http://www.welcomingresources.org/ .

Please feel to contact us again here at AskTrevor, and you can always call us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-866-4-U-Trevor.

Trevor Staff

749

I’m really confused. Since I was a kid I’ve always associated myself with the things aimed towards boys. It actually got to the point where I would ask my parents to use boys names with me and treat me as if I were born a boy. All of this happened when I was much younger than I am now, and all of those feelings have resurfaced.

In a desperate attempt to make me more feminine through out childhood, my mom would force me into things. I even gave in and wore make up for a whole whopping six months when I was 14. But I strongly disliked it all and longed to look and act like my male friends. My mom detested me being masculine in any sense. I felt and still feel as if I am living for her and my family’s needs instead of my own.

I’ve thought that maybe I am queergender or bigender, because sometimes I do feel “female” but I mostly feel “male”. While those labels may work for others, they just don’t give me the finality I strive for, and I feel I’m left to be confused. I want to bring these things up to my friends or my mom, dad, or sister, but I dont’t see them being options.

I brought up a hypothetical to my sister, talking about eventually being male through and through. She quickly put the pieces of the puzzle together and told me that I am a girl and that I will always be a girl, no matter what. As my sister always does, she told this secret to my mother and I wasn’t ready for that to happen. My mom criticized me and told me she wished it was just a phase and proceeded to ignore that anything had ever happened. I had been thrust into a situation I wasn’t ready for because I wasn’t through thinking things through, and I’m still not.

I have since told my friends and they told me they accepted me for who I am and whatever decision I come to. My mother on the other hand, told everyone in the house to ignore the issue if I were to ever bring it up again. She and I have had a conversation in which she told me I was too young to make any life changing decisions and that I am not a boy. She even accused me of not taking anyones feelings into consideration, when in reality I have. I know it will be hard for everyone. And I know not everyone will accept me. And as I said before I feel like I’m making myself feel bad and living for my mom and other family members, trying to keep their emotions intact.

My mom and younger sister have teased me to the point of tears calling me a “misguided lesbian”. To tell the truth, even within my pansexuality I prefer boys. It really hurts me when they call me things I know I’m not, and they can see it hurts, but they just keep pushing my buttons.

I have researched what I’m going through and printed off papers and articles about gender identity and what not, and even through all of my reading I feel as if I’m lost, maybe even more lost than I was when I started researching. I feel I should have a solid answer, but I don’t. I cringe when I hear my name, which happens to be very feminine. I’ve begun to hate my female body and the things that come with it. When I wear a compression sports bra and baggy clothes I feel most comfortable.

I see boys and think, “I want to look like him/have a body like his” and stopped looking at girls and thinking the same things. And I wouldn’t care if someone thought I was a boy, or used male pronouns. It actually happened to me recently in a restaurant, the server referred to me as sir, and I was happy as ever.

My dad, who I thought I could confide in, has also told me I’m not a “real” boy and that if I were a “real” boy I’d do certain things. Which leads me to think, if I do decide to transition, I wouldn’t be a “real” boy who does “real” boy things and maybe I’d be too feminine, whereas I thought I was already extremely masculine. My mom won’t let me bind my chest, and she won’t let me treat myself as if I am a boy. The luckiest I am in that respect is my hair cut. My dad has even recently told me that I should stay a girl for a few years. But I feel I might be very miserable.

One of my really good friends has begun to call me by a masculine nickname and uses male associated pronouns for me, and I like it but it feels kind of weird. Like a shirt that’s just a bit too big, but you’ll grow into it.

I just want to get right down to it and know exactly who I am and what I want out of this whole debacle. I want my family to accept me for me and not a “misguided lesbian”. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to talk to my parents and friends about this. I want to know who I am and above all I want to be accepted.

Answer:

Dear Zoe,

Thank you for having the courage to write into the TrevorProject to talk about this issue instead of trying to deny who you are to make someone else happy. I’m sorry I’m addressing you by the feminine name you were given since you didn’t include another name you might want to be referred to. Your letter was incredibly moving and well thought out. It’s clear that you understand the gravity of the situation, and that you’re not deliberately trying to hurt your family. No matter what, at the end of the day, you are still your mother’s daughter and your sister’s sibling; you should be able to rely on your family for unconditional emotional support. It’s clear that your mother and your sister aren’t joking with you in a friendly harmless manner; they are making you the center of the joke in a misguided, and ultimately harmful, attempt to dissuade you from asking difficult questions. Your family’s discomfort with your identity is NOT an excuse to emotionally or physically abuse you. You are normal and your feelings are natural. You should be commended for being so self aware, and reflective at your age instead of being forced into doing things that feel untrue to you. Your truth is your own and ultimately you will find that these early steps you’re taking to figure out who you are will save you from living a life that doesn’t reflect who you are as an adult.

Even though family is very important, our friends can oftentimes be more of family to us than our blood relatives. Your friends care about you for who you are and stay by your side by choice and not out of obligation. I would encourage you to continue to lean on them for emotional support and use them as allies when you try to talk about your feelings with your sibling. It might help your sister to hear another perspective on the issue from other people around the same age. In regards to your attraction to boys, as you think more about how you understand your sexual orientation I would encourage you to think about your emotional, romantic and physical feelings that you have and who you tend to have them for. This might help you to better understand who you see yourself having more well rounded relationships with in the future. As you try to figure out how to approach your family I suggest that you find a trusted adult in your life, either a teacher or a guidance counselor who you can talk to about your concerns; they might be able to talk to your parents with you and provide an alternative adult perspective from another adult. If at any point you feel that the treatment that you’re receiving at home is becoming more abusive and that you’re not safe, we encourage you to have a safe space outside of your home where you can stay and be around people who support you unconditionally. This is only in extreme situations because your safety is most important. When you become financially independent you can consider moving out so that your family knows that they can’t force you to be someone that you’re not just because you are financially dependent and live in the same house.

Even though you’ve done research on your own about your concerns, you can check out scarleteen.com to learn more about how to approach questioning your gender identity as a young person. You can also check out pflag.org to get resources geared toward yourself and your family. The great thing about pflag is that you can find local chapters in your area so that your family can talk to families in similar positions who can relate to what they are going through, and hopefully approach your situation with more understanding and patience. You can always reach out to us at trevorspace for support or help with additional questions- www.trevorspace.org where you can talk to other young people who are experiencing similar issues and are looking for a safe community. I hope this has given you some help, and that you continue to be true to yourself regardless of what others may think or feel.

Trevor Staff