so as of today i have been out to my family and close friends for four months, to everyone else it has been about two. when i came out to my parents i had been very nervous because my father had often told me he was happy i was not a homo. so to hide the fact that i was gay i started dating a very christian girl. i was under the usumption that she would not want sex so i was safe. well i was wrong she was a very rebelious girl but anyway. i asked her to marry me to further hide this fact then i feel even harder into my deppresion and cut myself very badly. i hid it from everyone for a week then my girlfriend seen it while in the bedroom and she told my parents and i flipped out and was in the hospital. then i got home and i started taking drugs like pot and spice(k2) i was so high one day that i texted my parents that i was gay and my mom accepted me but made me tell my then fiance. so as expected she hated me and blah blah blah. now i am struggling with this deppression. i have a larger body type, i am not fat…so everyone says, but i can’t help but be sick when i see my body. recently i was switch from my old meds to a new one and after two weeks of my parents yelling at me everyday i took all the pills i had and was in the hospital. i can’t take the mental abuse i am recieving but dad thinks my MDD and social anxiety is fake. so he wont stop. i am just lost in life right now and it hurts… literally it is causing pain. everday it gets worse. i am worried i will snap one day soon but no one will care.
I’m so glad that you wrote about everything that you’re feeling and going through because it helps me get to know you better. What I can see from your letter is that you are truly an amazing, incredible person, someone who had the strength and courage to go through coming out. I’m so glad that despite how you’re feeling, you haven’t given up on you that you’re fighting for you because you’re definitely worth fighting for and that you found The Trevor Project and wrote to Ask Trevor for help and support.
Please know that we at The Trevor Project care about you and believe that you’re a very special person, someone who knows how important it is to reach out for help when you’re in such a hurtful, dangerous and painful place. It’s very concerning that you’ve attempted to kill yourself before. Please know that if you were no longer here, the world would be a much, much emptier place and that the people in your life, would truly miss you. If you ever have thoughts of killing yourself, it’s very important for your safety that you immediately tell a trusted adult such as a parent, friend’s parent, relative, teacher, school counselor or doctor about your thoughts of suicide order to keep you safe. If you ever feel you’re going to act again on those thoughts, immediately call 911 or get to your nearest hospital emergency room.
If there’s no one you feel comfortable talking with or would like more support, you could call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. Our caring, understanding and supportive counselors are here to talk with you about everything you’re feeling and going through and want to do whatever is needed to keep you safe.
When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel, can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep much less or much more than usual, cause you to eat much less or more than usual and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. People sometimes think about ending their life when they’re feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better and helpless to make things better in their life.
On www.us.reachout.com you’ll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” It’s important to know that there is treatment for depression and ways to deal with suicidal thoughts including therapy and/or medication. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling and going through including your suicide attempts, your feelings of depression, feeling lost, and like you might snap in order to help you to feel better and to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. You could ask a trusted adult for help in finding someone to talk and work with. On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm and http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/teen-depression you can learn more about depression and its treatment.
It’s also concerning that you’ve been cutting yourself. It might help to know that some people cut as a way of dealing with or managing difficult, painful, overwhelming emotions or stress. For some, cutting relieves stress or tension or they find that the physical pain of cutting is a distraction from the emotional pain. Some people are angry at someone in their life and take the anger out on themselves by cutting. Others feel that the cutting gives them a feeling of control when things in the life or their emotions feel out of control. Still others feel numb or “dead inside” and cutting helps them to feel alive. With the things that you’re dealing with in your life, you may be experiencing some or all of these things. It’s important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, and sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. If you feel like cutting, there are lots of ways to help yourself feel better without putting yourself at risk. Think about how you feel before and after you cut yourself. If cutting helps to release anger, you might try getting the anger out in another way like hitting a pillow, stomping around in heavy shoes, ripping up an old newspaper or flattening aluminum cans. If cutting helps you when you’re sad, do things that help you feel taken care of and comforted. That may be listening to certain songs, calling a friend or eating a favorite food. If the cutting helps you to feel less numb, do something that creates a sharp physical feeling like putting your hand briefly in ice water or stamp your feet on the ground.
There are websites available including www.safe-alternatives.com and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut. It would be important for your safety to let a trusted adult know about the cutting, In addition, it would be helpful and important to work with a mental health professional to find healthier ways to deal with the difficulties in your life. You could call 1-800-DON’T-CUT where you can be referred to a therapist in your area. When you have the urge to cut, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor (1-866-488-7386) and talk with a Trevor lifeline counselor about what you’re feeling and experiencing as well as your urge to cut which can help to delay or stop the urge to cut. They can also work with you to find a therapist to help you.
Please continue to reach out for help and support and to fight for you because you’re definitely worth fighting for. Remember that you can always call the Trevor Lifeline 24 hours, 7 days a week. Our counselors answer many calls from young people who are experiencing depression, have attempted suicide and are dealing with parents who are having difficulty being supportive of their youth’s sexual orientation. Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone as we’re always here for you at The Trevor Project.