Believe I am transgender but in love with a straight male?

Question:

Since a fairly young age (around 8 or 9 years old) I have dreamt about being a guy every single night until now. I can’t say that inside I am definitely a boy, I have not figured this out yet, but everyday I dream of being seen and treated as a boy. I’m not seen to be a girly girl by people, I’m more of a “tomboy”, but every time people tell me I’m beautiful or something similar, it just makes me feel depressed. I am attracted to girls primarily, but there is one guy who I am attracted to and that is my boyfriend. He is a straight male, who I’ve been dating (whilst presenting myself as female) for 4 1/2 years now. I told him I was having doubts about my gender and that I was considering speaking to a therapist to go on T and he was not surprised, but told me that we couldn’t be together if I did that. He said that he is 100% heterosexual and even whilst transitioning we couldn’t be together. Now I do not know what to do. Although I do have gender issues, when I am with him it doesn’t matter how I look, because he treats me as me. However, if anything happened between us and we weren’t together, I would very seriously consider going to a therapist because I feel like no one else understands. Every time me and my boyfriend have a really small argument or something, I start wondering whether I should just transition now. But we are both in love with each other and I do not want to regret it. I know that even though I could finally transition, it would break my heart to not be with him, especially as he accepts me.

I am also confused about who and what I am. Like I have always wished to be male, but I don’t know whether that’s because I am or whether it is just a fantasy that I have. I cross-dress often (when my boyfriend isn’t around) and I feel most comfortable in male clothes, like that’s where I belong. I just don’t want to go to a therapist and begin any kind of hormone treatment before I can be 100% sure about this.

By the way, I am in England, United Kingdom, Not USA, but the option to select UK didn’t show up.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Danny,

You should be very proud of yourself! The fact that you are taking the time to truly think about what you are comfortable with and to understand yourself shows a lot of maturity. Gender identity is flexible, and it can be hard to figure out how to identify yourself. That being said, questioning how you identify is a completely normal part of growing up and there’s no deadline for a decision; as you grow, you are constantly learning about yourself. Confusing as if might feel now, don’t feel pressured to pick one option.

It’s good to hear that you can discuss these things with your boyfriend. That’s an incredibly difficult conversation to have, and it shows a lot of strength and trust that you have been able to bring it up. Just remember that ultimately, you should do what makes you happy and what makes you feel comfortable. It may be helpful for you to talk to a therapist about your thoughts even if you don’t transition, if only to get a better understanding of the process and what it would mean if you did decide to transition. They might also be able to talk to you about different options. Talking to a trusted adult or counselor could also help you work out your thoughts with a neutral party.

There are many resources online that you can also explore to help you in determining what gender you might be. www.genderspectrum.org provides a lot of information relating to gender identity. www.advocatesforyouth.org and pflag.org might also be useful to you. PFLAG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays; the site has a lot of good articles and other reading materials on how to deal with some of the issues you are facing.

Since you are in England, this sight might also have more relevant resources for you: http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/advice-and-guidance/your-rights/transgender/transgender-additional-resources/. The website http://www.llgs.org.uk/ also has resources and an emergency hotline for the UK LGBT community. Trevor Space is another good way to speak to people like you in similar situations. If you prefer to talk to someone further about this anonymously you can call the Trevor Project Life-Line 24/7 at 866-488-7386. It is free and confidential. You can contact Trevor Chat at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat as well if you don’t feel comfortable with that, or if it is difficult for you to contact the US.

Remember that we are always here to talk and support you!

Love,

Trevor