But i lied to him. Because he kept hurting me emotionally, Mentally.

Question:

Okay, so I’m getting more and more confused. I know I am…(or was) a Pansexual, but the more my current partner (a boy) and I drift apart, the more I wonder if I might not be Pansexual but lesbian. I like girls, I know I do, and I like them a bit more than guys. The only problem is that I’m not sure what is it I am anymore. I almost feel non-existent.

Also, I’m not sure how to come out to my family. One time I tried and my stepfather kept making me feel bad about myself until finally I told him I wasn’t gay and I didn’t like girls. But I lied to him because he kept hurting me emotionally, mentally. So what do I do?

I’m so confused, I’m not sure where to turn, I know there are others like me out there, I just wish I had a better way of finding them, of talking to them. Please help me if you can. Thank you.

Lexx

Answer:

Dear Lexx,

Coming to understand one’s sexual orientation can be a confusing and often distressing process at any age. You are at a time in your life where you are constantly learning new things about yourself and others, it is a time of constant exploration and discovery. So being uncertain and confused is completely natural, in fact, there are many people who find themselves in similar situations, so you are not alone.

In trying to make sense of your feelings, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic, as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of either both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), or people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). Pansexuals have the capability of attraction to others regardless of the other person’s gender identity or biological sex. A pansexual could be attracted to someone who is male, female, transgender, intersex, or agendered/genderqueer. It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both.

The situation with your stepfather sounds very frustrating and painful. When you think about how you want to go forward with him and those in your life, it can help to ask yourself some questions including: What does it feel like keeping this part of your life a secret? Does it cause you a lot of stress worrying about them finding out? Are you worried that if you told your family or your friends, you’d be unsafe physically or emotionally? If you told your parents, are you concerned that they might kick you out of the house? If you decided to tell them and they did kick you out, it would be important to have a safety plan, meaning a safe place where you could live and continue to go to school and a way to support yourself financially. Some people decide to wait until they are living away from home and are financially independent before telling members of their family about their sexual orientation/gender identity. If you feel now is the right time, that’s absolutely fine. What is most important is that you are comfortable and safe.

We know there are a lot of things to think about and it can be overwhelming. Here are a few links to connect you with more information, which we think can be very helpful. To think more about your sexual orientation check out these two links: 1) http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.phpoption=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 and 2) http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf. If you choose to share more of who you are with your family and friends, here are two websites that can be helpful for all of you: 1)http://www.hrc.org/files/documents/ComingOut_ResourceGuide.pdf and 2) http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539

We want you to know that we are always here for you during this entire process, so please continue to reach out whenever you need the support. If you want to connect with other youth around the country going through similar things, you can go to our website http://www.trevorspace.org/ and connect there. We’re always here for you!

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff