Coming out Bisexual…Afraid!!!

Question:

So here is the thing: I’m sixteen and I have been in a relationship with a guy for some time now, but I have never felt truly in love with him. Actually I sometimes even feel slightly uncomfortable around him. And recently I began to question my sexuality. I have grown up for so long thinking I was straight (is this normal to start suddenly questioning your sexuality? Is it just a phase?)
I started thinking maybe I like girls — I feel attracted to them in certain ways and even sometimes I feel closer to them then I would any guy… but there is still part of me that thinks guys are cute too, even though there is part of me that thinks the same about girls. So am I bisexual? (I have never had any fantasies about either sex) I have never been in a relationship with a girl and I feel like I haven’t been in a true relationship with a guy either. So am I Bisexual..? It’s something I can’t get off my mind, because I feel like I might be bi, and I want to really know who I am!

How would I come out to my family? How would they think it’s not just a thing people go through..? I mean it’s not like I’m telling them I like boys or I like girls, but rather I like them both (I’m scared to come out because of what people will say, I have heard people in the halls at school say “you cant be bi, that’s just someone who is afraid to claim they are a fag”). It makes me sad but I want to know who I am, I owe it to myself, and I really feel like I might be bi so if so how do I come out? And I feel like I should tell my boyfriend but he and his family are very strict catholics who believe that being gay is a sin so I don’t want to lose a friend but I also wouldn’t want to keep one of my biggest secrets from him! Should I tell him too?
I am so confused right now and I really need this to all be off of my mind, I can’t take it anymore…I just want to know who I am before highschool is over!! And I don’t want it to feel like I’m keeping this huge secret from people, especially my parents who I feel like have no idea I like girls!!!! PLEASE I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP!!

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi,

I am very glad that you wrote. And, I am happy we can be here for you. It sounds like you are dealing with a really tough situation. It so hard to figure out who you are, what you like, and how to explain that to the people in your life. Even though this can be confusing and difficult, it sounds like you are doing a really good job of handling it so far.

It can be really hard to figure out what, and who you like. Sometimes it’s not about whether it’s a guy or a girl, but who the person is. For a lot of people, if you like the person, it sometimes doesn’t matter whether they are male or female. If you aren’t sure what you like -there’s no rush! You don’t have to figure it out right away, and you don’t need to pressure yourself to make a decision. And, until you have experienced a relationship with either a guy or girl, it will be hard to figure this out. Give yourself some time to think. Don’t worry about telling people until you have it figured out yourself. However, it might help if you had someone who you trusted, who you could talk about all of this with. Maybe a close family member – like an older cousin or aunt or uncle, or maybe a teacher or guidance counselor at school. Really, just anyone you trust and feel you can confide in. The answers will all come from you, but it can really help just to have someone to talk to about all of this. Give yourself time to figure it all out, and when the time comes, you can begin to come out, just one person at a time. With each person, it will get easier.

Whatever gender and whoever you decide that you are attracted to, there is nothing wrong or weird about it. It’s totally normal to like guys or girls or both. And, you’re smart enough to know that the people who criticize you for that are the ones who are wrong.

I want to let you know that we are here to talk, anytime you want – 24 hours a day, every day. We would love to talk with you and help you through this. The number is 866-4-U-Trevor (866-488-7386). If talking isn’t your thing, we also have an instant messenger chat, which you can talk in real time with us. That’s available through our website (TheTrevorProject.org). And, we also have something called TrevorSpace.org which is kind of like a Facebook but just for lesbian, gay, bisexuals, transgender and questioning young people, up to age 24. And it’s moderated, so it’s a safe place to chat with people your age who are going through similar situations and may have good advice on how to deal with them. If you want to find out some more about bisexuality, check out these two sites: bisexual.org/resources and: biresource.net

I hope that you this helps you. Like I said, I think you are doing a great job of handling all of this. I hope you give us a call sometime.

Your friend,

Trevor