Coming out to Conservatives

Question:

Sorry for the length of this. So I’ve recently realized that I’m bisexual, I’ve only came out to a few friends, (these ones have been supportive). So this other group of friends who I sit w/ at lunch are VERY CONSERVATIVE and Republican. They’ve made it VERY CLEAR they don’t like LGBTQ, Hispanics, Blacks, and other people. I’m more of a Democrat; I love people for who they are, and don’t judge their appearence or sexual orientation. Before I discovered I was bi, these girls would always say rude and prejudice comments about the people they don’t like. I’ve told them, (more than once) I don’t like it and I’ve asked them to please stop. My parents don’t know I’m bi; (my mom works in a public school and “is ok with it” but she still makes jokes about LGBTQ, and my dad makes jokes about them and doesn’t like them). I did tell my mom what’s been happening at lunch; she says don’t sit with those girls. I haven’t sat with them for two weeks. Now I’m getting messages asking where I’ve been and why I’m not there. I don’t want to come out because they bash LGBTQ, but I’ve told them my feelings on their rude comments. What should I do? Thanks!!!

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Answer:

Trevor Staff

Congratulations on coming out to your close friends. Coming out can be a difficult process, and it was very brave of you to take such a big step.

It sounds like deciding whether to come out to your lunch friends is a tough decision. As you’ve seen with your close friends, coming out can be a positive experience. Telling your friends would allow them to know about an important part of your life. However, it sounds like you don’t think they would react well. When deciding whether to come out, you can ask yourself what the potential consequences of coming out could be. If your friends take it well, the consequences could include strengthening your relationships with them and helping you feel less alone. If they don’t take it well, ask yourself what would happen. Would they just stop having lunch with you, leaving you in the same position you are in now that you have stopped lunch with them? Would they tell other people? If they did tell other people, could the news reach your parents? You should weigh all of these factors and any others you can think of before you decide whether to come out.

If you decide to come out to your friends, you might find it helpful to write out and rehearse things you might say. You can check out the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at http://www.hrc.org/files/documents/ComingOut_ResourceGuide.pdf.

You mentioned that you’ve told your friends that you don’t like when they make negative comments about LGBTQ people or other , but that they haven’t stopped. You could tell them that the reason you stopped hanging out with them is because their comments offend you. If are afraid that they will suspect that you are LGBTQ if you get offended by their comments, you can tell them that you are bothered by all of the prejudice they have shown to Hispanics, Blacks, and others (including LGBTQ people) so that you just seem like you don’t tolerate prejudice in general. Maybe if they hear that you are not willing to tolerate any type of prejudice from your friends and that you will not continue sitting with them unless they stop making such comments they will take your complaints more seriously.

Good luck. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week.

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