crush on a teacher
Question:
I have a crush on a young teacher at my school. The bigger problem is, she is a girl. I have no idea how to deal with it. I’ve had my boyfriend for a long time now, but I can’t help but feel attracted to this teacher. She is gay, and I honestly love everything about her. I’ve never been attracted to a female before, so I’m not sure how to react, if I react at all. I see and talk to her on a regular basis and it pains me every time because I can’t let her know that I’m possibly not straight and that she is amazing. I take every opportunity I can to be with her, but now I start over-thinking things. This is my last year at this school, would it be inappropriate to tell her at the end of the year that she was inspiring for me to help me come out? Is there any way to make this intense feeling go away? Also, my family’s background is VERY anti-gay. I’ve been struggling enough to defend my LGBTQ friends to my family, but it would be even worse if it were me. I’m afraid they would disown me, since I already don’t have a great relationship with them. Should I break up with my boyfriend because I’m not attracted to him (we are basically just like friends- minimal sexual activity)? I feel like a hypocrite because I support and help my friends with their decisions to come out, but I don’t have the gall to do it myself because I am afraid I will lose friends and it will ruin my reputation. I’m beyond confused, and the world is feeling so lonely right now without anybody to confide in. Help??
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Answer:
It’s great that you’ve already made the important first step of identifying your feelings for your teacher. The first time you have feelings for someone of the same sex can be confusing at first.
Oftentimes, crushes develop out of admiration. It seems like you admire your teacher a lot, and she has been a big source of inspiration for you to explore your own sexuality. Whether lesbian/ gay (attracted to the same sex), bisexual (attracted to both sexes), or straight (attracted to the opposite sex), most people have crushes on someone of the same sex at some point in their lives, and high school is a common time for people to begin exploring their sexuality and have crushes. Your teacher could be a great person for you to confide in. However, it’s important to realize that your crush is something probably best left as just a crush. Rather than discuss your feelings for her, you could talk to her about some of the other questions you’re having about your sexuality, your family and your boyfriend. Meanwhile, you can think about the characteristics you find attractive in her and someday look for similar traits in potential partners closer to your age. It also seems like you’ve been a wonderful friend when some people in your life were exploring their sexuality. Now, maybe you could trust some of those friends to help you.
Coming out to ourselves and others can be a long process that doesn’t happen overnight. Deciding to continue your relationship with your boyfriend is a decision that only you can make as is deciding whether to tell your parents. It’s important to come out to others only when you are in a safe space with a good support network. If you think that coming out to your parents would cause problems, then it’s probably best to wait until you’re in safe space and not dependant on them for support. In the meantime, here is some great information: “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” ( http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177) and the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out). Also, please remember that the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR (1-866-488-7386) is always there if you need to talk to someone.
The Trevor Project