Hi. I’ve known I was gay for a good 4 years. I am in the closet, but am completely accepting to the thought of living as a gay man. But I feel so alone in the world. I feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one hears me. My school has no evidence of other LGBT people. I’m even terrified to talk to a school counselor. I really thought my parents already knew because I am into things that are stereotypical ‘gay’, but the other day they asked me if I had a crush on one of my female friends. I screamed “no!” and just stormed out the room. My friends don’t seem to notice, but i wish someone would just ask me! I was even thinking of purposely dropping one of your pamphlets when I’m around them to just get any reaction. The worse part of this all is that I feel lonely romantically. I have never, NEVER been in a relationship with anyone, male or female. I’ve never even had my first kiss! This is just killing me inside. I’ve had many crushes on straight boys that, of course, end in disappointment. Am I just unattractive, weird, fat, ugly, or invisible? I see all these gay couples on YouTube, who are so beautiful and happy and in love…. it makes me want to just hang myself right then and there. I literally burst into tears watching these. I’ve watched many “It Gets Better” videos and question when will it get better? How? And I keep imagining seeing my picture along with all those other gay teens who have killed themselves. I just need someone to love me more than just a friend or family member. Who will sincerely mean it when they say “I love you”. Who will stop me from ending my own life, give me a reason to go on. Help. Please…
It takes courage to reach out and share your story. You are being proactive, brave, and intelligent – you should be proud of yourself. Feeling alone and lonely can be very hard to cope with. Feelings lonely romantically can be particularly hard but it is not indicative of you. Perhaps it is due to not knowing any other LGBTQ youth or others not knowing that is how you feel.
Thinking about suicide and how you might do it is very serious. Please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. Also, please consider reaching out to someone you trust, to share these feelings with, preferably an adult like a teacher, family member (assuming it is safe), neighbor, or school counselor. You said you were ready for help and you deserve it.
Sometimes watching an “It Gets Better” video can be hurtful because you are not there or feel like it is simply idealistic. The reality is that we all have different experiences and it doesn’t follow an easy line. But, in your case, it seems like knowing others that are LGBTQ or feeling less alone would make things better. Nevertheless, be safe on how you might go about meeting others.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people about coming to terms with your identity or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace ishttp://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people on http://www.trevorspace.org/forum/cat.php?id=7&sort= .
Please think about going to an emergency room if you are thinking of suicide or at least giving our 24/7 Lifeline a call. You have clearly been through a lot and deserve additional support. Although it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone. Things sound really tough now, but suicide can be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please reach out for more support.