how i should come out to my friends?

Published Letter #1906 - Posted in , , , .

Question:

Dear Trevor,
I am a lesbian and i told my father and he flipped out and said i was wrong and crazy and that he doesnt have a daughter anymore and i havent come out to any one else yet because im afraid that they might all react like my father so can you please tell me how i should come out to my friends? If you would that would be awesome!! Thank you so much!!

Love your friend,
Jessica

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi Jessica,

I’m sorry that your father acted that way when you came out to him.  It’s hard to trust someone enough share something important and then not get the support we need.  It makes sense that you’re scared to tell your friends.  You should be proud that you know who you are and are not letting your experience with your dad prevent you from wanting to come out to your friends. 

Before coming out (or telling someone that you’re LGBTQ), it helps to think about your situation, the other person and your relationship with them.   First, consider if your friend is accepting of other LGBT people.  If you’re not sure, you could bring up the subject through a news story or celebrity.  If you’re still not sure, think about how you know your friend (school, family, neighbors, religious organizations), how close are you, what has your friend been like in the past when you needed support?  You also should consider your safety and the importance of coming out as well.  Does coming out to your friend put you in danger or jeopardize anything that you depend on (safety, living situation, financial support or a job)?  How do you feel most comfortable telling someone and letting them know that this is something important to you that you’re telling them because you value your friendship.  You might decide to tell all of your friends at once or to start by telling one or two people that you feel would be the most supportive.

Coming out can be a wonderful experience that brings us closer to those around us and helps eliminate many awful feelings that come with hiding who you are.  Unfortunately, as you’ve learned, we can’t always anticipate or change how people feel when we do decide to tell them.  It’s important to remember that there are tons of people and communities that embrace people regardless of their sexual orientation.  Also, remember that it can take time for people to understand and accept you as a lesbian.  People often are shocked, so it takes time for them to learn about LGBTQ identities and realize that you’re the same person you were before you came out to them.  Some resources for you and the those you tell are the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out) and PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) ’s “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People” and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People” (check under www.pflag.org “ Get Support” then click on “For Family & Friends”).  To connect with people in similar situations, sign up for TrevorSpace (www.trevorspace.org), the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 and their friends and allies.  You always call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR (1-866-488-7386) if you need to talk with someone.

The Trevor Project