How to find love

Published Letter #2733 - Posted in .

Question:

Hello -

First of all, great organization! I just came out a few months ago and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  In doing so I’ve been trying to find/start my first relationship.   I’ve tried dating sites and going to new places, but it seems like all the guys I meet are just looking for sex; in the process of all this I’ve been used so many times and it makes me want to give up.  I already struggle with depression and addiction; I thought it would help by coming out and just being myself and being okay with it, but now every guy I meet uses me.  I was just wondering what advice I could possibly get on finding a nice guy and hopefully start being happy about life.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

First off, congratulations on coming out!  That is a big and important step.  And I’m so glad you found The Trevor Project – we’re glad to be able to provide you with support and help if you need it.

It can be hard finding a new relationship, whether you’re newly “out” or have been out for years.  It’s good to know what you want, as you obviously do: you know you’re not just looking for sex.  (And it’s ok that some guys are – we all look for different types of relationships at different times of our lives.)   You’re doing the right things, “looking at dating sites and going to new places”.  But when you connect with someone, either online or in real space, and you feel the start of a connection, you need to make it clear that you’re not just looking to hook up.  It’s a wonderful feeling, that new-attraction feeling, but if you are interested in moving forward with someone, sometimes you have to slow down a bit and make sure he understands what type of a relationship you want.  Work on being friends, find out if the two of you really click, before you move into the physical realm.  You may not have as many hook-ups this way, but when you do have that connection with someone, there will be friendship and and emotional connection underneath it, which, it sounds like, is what you’re looking for.  And trust me – even though choosing to not see a guy, because he doesn’t want what you do, may mean you’re alone briefly, you will feel better than if you had slept with someone you didn’t really want to.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but it’s true: find out what makes YOU happy, figure out what YOU want, and you’ll be in a better place to find a relationship.  Go join a group activity, a church/community center, a club that interests you; not only will you have fun doing things you enjoy, but you’ll find like-minded people there.  You may make some cool new friends and possibly even find a boyfriend.  Be true to yourself and others will see who’s really there, and probably like him!

You can always chat with others in your situation on TrevorChat or TrevorSpace – I’m sure that you will find people who have gone through this exact same thing, and can offer you other ideas.  And remember that you can always call the Trevor Hotline at 866-4-U-TREVOR – we are always here for you.  Good luck and welcome to the community – we’re so glad you’re here!

Trevor Staff