Okay so I came to terms with the fact that I was into girls in 7th grade. I kept it a secret because I never thought that I was going to act on it. and then I got my first girlfriend. I mean, I had talked to other girls in the past, just no one knew. She was different. We were secretly a couple for 4 months and had been talking for about 6. She was the reason that I starting telling people. I told my two best friends and my cousin. All were so supportive. She and I ended up breaking up 3 weeks after I told them. I recently decided that I didn’t want to hide who I was anymore and I wanted people to know. I just wanted it out in the open. I told some of my other close friends and then I told my mother..
I always had conversations with my mother about how she would feel if I was gay (never hinting that I was) and she always said she’d be supportive and love me the same. I’ve kept everything a secret from her and for good reason. My mother and I don’t get along and when I told her that I liked girls too, she simply said “Please don’t tell me you’re experimenting with that. You weren’t born gay. You’ve always been boy crazy.”
Before this happened I was really confident about coming out with everything and being open about my sexuality finally, but after that it kind of took a blow to my confidence. I don’t know why I expected anything more, but I guess that I’m just worried that my other friends will react in a similar matter. I try to say that my moms opinion doesn’t matter, but the difference in my confidence, self-esteem, and just my positivity about the whole thing after I told her says otherwise. Out of all people, hers was the support I needed. I guess I’m just scared now.
Hello! It’s wonderful to hear from you and I’m so glad you wrote. I know it must be very hard to keep your confidence up when you don’t get support from the place that you have the right to always expect support, but sadly parents also have their own failures and flaws of understanding that they need to contend with and overcome in time. It’s really unfortunate that your mother has not gotten this far yet, but it doesn’t mean that she does not love you, or that she will not support you in time. For now, please know that you have the support of many who have walked in your same shoes and many who are walking in them now.
It’s up to you to decide if you are ready to come out to anyone else or not. It sounds like, overall, most people have been supportive! Your mother’s reaction does not sound like it is the most regular one, so you may not be wrong to trust others and live more openly. Perhaps you could continue just letting people know one at a time, to build up your confidence again? From your letter, it seems you had decided you were ready to come out until your mother’s reaction took the wind out of your sails, but you’ve already heard her response, maybe going through with your plan regardless will show you that even if telling her didn’t work out as you planned, most people will still take it fine.
I can’t presume to say how things will go with your mother. You know her much better than I, so trust your judgment when it comes time to look for her support again. Try to understand her position; not because she is right, but if you can understand her thinking, maybe you can figure out the best way to persuade her to understand yours. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to rely on your friends that have already been supportive of you, and trust yourself. You may be young and you may have much growing and learning to do, but you are always going to be the only person who knows your own sexuality! And, incidentally, it is also okay if what you know, or feel, changes. Many people have their sexuality, or their understanding of it, evolve throughout the course of their lives, and that is fine! You are not obligated to be attracted to any particular sex. So trust yourself, both in who you are attracted to and how to look for your mother’s support. And until you have her support, consider looking for another adult who would understand you. Do you have grandparents, or an aunt or uncle who would be more understanding? Otherwise a guidance counselor, or teacher, or any other trusted adult in your life who you think would support you. Friends are invaluable, but an adult’s understanding and input during this time may help while you wait for your mother to come around. You can also always send us another letter too, of course!
Just don’t forget, you are beautiful and spectacular. Not because of your attraction to girls, but just because you are you. It’s not something that can ever be lost, nor something that you need another to validate. Please be strong and happy, your self-esteem is worth fighting for. Don’t let anyone invalidate you, your feelings are your own, and genuine, and cannot be determined by anyone else.