I don’t know what to do anymore.
My family doesn’t accept me as me. They call me by my birthname.
I recently got suspended for using the boys’ bathroom at school.
And I’ve started cutting again.
My parents just don’t get it. I was diagnosed with GID (Gender Identity Disorder) by my psychiatrist. My mom tries to be as genderneutral as possible, but she fails at it miserably, probably on purpose. My dad is very ignorant. He says the worst things ever to me.
I’m having suicidal thoughts again. I’m not going to act on them, but it’s horrible to think those thoughts day in and day out.
All. The. Time.
My bipolar disorder is getting worse. They had to raise my medication again. And again. And again.
My parents think that I’m not trying, but I really am. I’m fighting a battle against myself, every day. A battle to stay alive. And I’m not winning.
What should I do?
You should be proud of yourself for reaching out and sharing your story. It takes real courage to do that. It sounds like you are having a pretty tough time. These challenges can be hard to work through, especially when it seems like you do not have reliable support. Although it is a battle, you have done great and it’s natural to feel confused about what to do next.
Coming to terms with your identity and getting other people to understand can be a real struggle. Not only do you get in trouble for being yourself at school, but you also clash with your parents and how they see you. You and I both know that there is nothing wrong with you just the way you are. Perhaps you could try finding support within the community at places like: http://www.transyouthsupportnetwork.org/, http://www.lauras-playground.com/, and http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=1301.
Although you do not plan to act on the suicidal thoughts, they are still very serious. With all you are going through, it would be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings and suicidal thoughts. Please, please consider calling our 24 hour Lifeline at 866-488-7386 and reaching out to someone you can trust such as a family member, neighbor, friend, counselor, psychiatrist, or teacher. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone you can trust and who cares would be one of the best thing you could do Ollie.
Sometimes people turn to self-injury to cope with difficulties in their lives, but it can be dangerous and it would be worth considering other ways. Please visit http://www.selfinjury.com/ for alternatives and how to be safe. Finally, if you are feeling suicidal you can always call 911 or visit a hospital in addition to calling us. Remember, you are not alone!
The Trevor Project