Some girl and guy said they wanted to do it with me at the same time. What do I say? I love them both. I am only fifteen. I am cutting my self for this.
Letter submitted by:
Thank you for reaching out to me! It sounds as though you are experiencing a lot right now! I admire the strength and courage you have demonstrated by talking about your concerns. You have touched on a few different matters that I would like address in my response. I will share some thoughts with you about healthy sexual relationships, cutting, and sexual orientation. I hope that you will find the information helpful.
HEALTHY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS:
I am wondering whether the girl and guy you mentioned are close in age to you. I am also interested in knowing if you feel they may be pressuring you in having sex with them. I want to ensure that you are not being forced to participate in sexual activity and that these individuals are not seeking to harm you in any way. Remember, it is your body…not their’s! Healthy sexual relationships involve, among other things, agreement by every person who is a part of that relationship. If one person disagrees with, or feels uneasy about, activities the other person is suggesting, he or she should honor and respect that person accordingly by allowing each person the opportunity to choose.
Please know that no one, including your family, EVER has the right to abuse you. When someone is being abused, it can make them feel very bad about themselves because they may think they’re causing or deserve the abuse but no matter what your family tells you, it’s not your fault that you are being treated this way. You deserve and have the right to be protected and safe. Sometimes, abusers scare or threaten the people they’re abusing so they won’t tell but it is vitally important that you talk with a trusted adult such as a relative, friend’s parent, doctor, teacher or school counselor about the abuse and that you or the trusted adult immediately call the Texas Child Protective Services at 1-800-252-5400 (https://www.txabusehotline.org) or the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to keep you safe and to prevent your family from abusing you further. There are people who care about you and want to help you including those of us at The Trevor Project. In addition, to protect yourself, try not to be alone with anyone who hurts you. If anyone in your family tries to abuse you in any way, try to get to a safe space such as a room in your house you can lock or by going to a friend, neighbor or relative’s house.
You discussed cutting as a result of the current situation. Please know that people often cut as a way of dealing with or managing difficult, painful, overwhelming emotions or stress. For some, cutting relieves stress or tension or they find that the physical pain of cutting is a distraction from the emotional pain. Some people are angry at someone in their life and take the anger out on themselves by cutting. Others feel that the cutting gives them a feeling of control when things in the life or their emotions feel out of control. Still others feel numb or “dead inside” and cutting helps them to feel alive. You may be experiencing some or all of these things due to your concerns over your circumstances.
It’s important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly, but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections, and serious and sometimes life-threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel shame, guilt, depressed and out of control.
If you feel like cutting, there are lots of ways to help yourself feel better without putting yourself at risk. Think about how you feel before and after you cut yourself. If cutting helps to release anger, you might try getting the anger out in another way like hitting a pillow, stomping around in heavy shoes, ripping up an old newspaper or flattening aluminum cans. If cutting helps you when you’re sad, do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. That may be listening to certain songs, calling a friend or eating a favorite food. Sometimes, writing in a journal or drawing/painting helps a person to feel better. For some people, doing something physical like running outdoors or yoga can help relieve stress. If the cutting helps you to feel less numb, do something that creates a sharp physical feeling like putting your hand briefly in ice water or stamp your feet on the ground). There are websites available including www.safe-alternatives.com and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut.
It can be very difficult to stop cutting and it would be important to tell a trusted adult about the cutting in order for them to find a therapist for you to work with to find safer and healthier ways to deal with the hard things you’re going through. If you’re not comfortable talking with your parents, you could ask a school counselor for help finding a therapist or call 1-800-DON’T-CUT where you can be referred to a therapist in your area.
Questioning sexual orientation and/or gender identity is very natural and being Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgendered is normal. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic, as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with—girls, boys, or both.
With regard to bisexuality, you may find the following resource helpful:
“Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG”
“Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth”
Lastly, Remember we are always here for you. The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR, TrevorChat, and TrevorSpace are also available to you for further support. TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org is the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you have discussed here.