My name is John. I’m twenty-six, I’m taking a seminar course for my major at a university, and I have an older mother dealing with health issues. We rely on each other. So it’s really a bit scary for me to write this. I almost don’t want to write it. But I think I might be in the wrong body.
I’m not a hundred percent certain. I kinda hope I’m wrong? But, I’m getting this awful feeling like maybe I’m not, and its actually kind of nice at the same time. I’ve never really liked my body. I’ve never really cared about myself that much and I’ve had incidents where I would be interested in more feminine things but I never really…I never really thought much about it. Over the last few weeks…months, maybe? I haven’t been keeping count. I’ve been fantasizing about being female and lately I’ve been getting upset and sad that I’m not and over the weekend I just kind of fell apart a bit over it, like…like I wondered how I was going to get from one day to the next and it’s not as bad now, but…
I keep thinking like I need to forget about that, that it would never work. I don’t think I can do this to my mother; she’s put so much time and effort into raising me and she’s tired, now. She’s trucking along like only she can but she’s tired and she needs me and I don’t think I can do this to her. Man, this probably sounds all over the place. I guess you’re all used to that.
I just keep hoping this’ll go away, that I’m normal, but I keep thinking I’m not normal one way or the other, and…and a lot of things make sense if I am actually not in my right body. A lot of habits and events and such that I never really thought about, it’s like when a puzzle sort of clicks into place because of a missing piece.
I can’t do this to my family. I can’t be abnormal, or cost anymore money, I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through a transition either way. I just really hope I’m wrong about this, that I can be male, but, I just…I dunno. It’s not getting any better and I’m really worried and scared. I didn’t realize until I typed this just how scared I am of this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what kind of response I’m expecting here. Thanks for taking the time to listen.
It’s completely understandable for anyone to feel confused and abnormal when they’re questioning sexual orientation and/or gender identity. But, what you have to remember is that this is completely normal, and it happens to people all over the world every single day, you are completely normal in feeling this. When you’re confused like this, it’s normal for you to wonder about what your life would be like if you were a different gender, and then feel upset when you’re not or when you think about how this would affect your family. Again, all of the things you’re feeling is completely normal.
With you and your mother relying on each other, and for so many years, it’s understandable that you’re scared to tell her, and worried about what she’ll think of you after you tell her how you feel. One thing people might say is that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable in your own skin at any point in your life, however, if you’ve felt uncomfortable as yourself for an extended period of time, talking to someone always helps. I think that talking to your mom can help you out a lot, especially if you are pretty close with her, because as your mother, she’ll love you unconditionally. Not wanting to be a financial burden is something a lot of people talk about when questioning their gender, and that makes complete sense because surgery and other changes that are needed are expensive and do take a lot out of a person physically and emotionally. You talking about missing a piece of a puzzle and all of a sudden putting events and ideas from your life into picture and the puzzle coming together makes complete sense because little mannerisms about yourself that you may have not noticed before, or noticed but then felt abnormal and as such, tried to ignore/hide them can come through your personality and then it hits you and that “puzzle” feels complete. There are several websites you can check out involving questioning genders and similar topics, one that I’ve found is linked here - http://artoftransliness.tumblr.com/post/6523079491/general-advice-for-figuring-out-your-gender-identity But, there are plenty others on google also. Also, there’s obviously Ask Trevor, since you’re here now, and you can always look up other questions that have been answered and see if you identify with anyone asking those questions. Just making sure that you know of available resources to help yourself (and your family members if you talk to them about how you’re feeling) to feel more informed is something that really helps people.
I hope you’ve found AskTrevor useful, and the other information I’ve given you useful as well. Remember that you are normal and not alone, and Trevor is always here to talk. You can call the lifeline anytime at 1-866-488-7386