I don’t know what to do or how to feel.

Question:

I’ve never felt bad about my sexuality. When I first came out I had a coming out party. I have been out and proud for three years now. But, everything feels different now.
I was engaged to this woman that I met in college. She was straight when I met her and we dated for about a year and she never questioned her feelings until about a month ago. She was comfortable with her decision in dating me and we were really serious.
A month ago she dumped me. I bought her a ring and we were planning on getting married when we graduated. I was planning my whole life around her.
She said she was confused about her sexuality and that nothing provoked it. She wasn’t interested in a man or another woman. She just said that she was afraid that her attraction to men would grow and she would leave me or worse cheat on me with a man so she made a preemptive decision.
After we broke up we still talked often. She wanted to stay best friends and left it open ended saying we might get back together one day when she figures things out.
Last night, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to have a decision. She said she couldn’t see herself spending the rest of her life with a woman.
This is the first time in my life that I feel ashamed. If only I were a man, things would be different. I don’t want to transition. I just want her.
This has happened before in the past. I feel like I’ve always been other women’s experiment. I know that’s my fault but.. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
I’ve been clinically depressed for four years. This isn’t helping. I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
I need help.

Savannah

Submitted by

Answer:

Hi Savannah,

The ending of a relationship is difficult for everyone.  From your letter, it is clear you shared a significant bond.   Although the separation is painful,  your ex-girlfriend did the best thing in being honest with you.  She loved you enough to be honest with you.  That is an amazing gift.  Still, it hurts.  After sharing such a strong bond, it can be difficult to remain friends.  Allow yourself the space you need to grieve the loss of this relationship.  Perhaps, with time, you will reconnect as friends.  Perhaps, she will become clear about her sexuality and you could reconnect as lovers.  But, for now, in this moment, she needs to understand her sexuality.  She needs to feel right about commitment in relationships.  And, there is nothing you can do to assist her in that journey.  Both people have to be clear and committed.  In this moment, take care of yourself, tend to your heart.  If that means completely separating, even as friends, that is OK.  You need to do what is best for your healing , for your ability to move forward.

Savannah, this is her issue to understand.  It is not fair to hold yourself responsible for her lack of clarity.  There is nothing shameful here.  Sad?  Yes.  But, shameful? No.  You mentioned “this happening before”.  You are wise to look at a possible pattern.  But remember.  People come to their sexual identity in their own time.  Many LGBT people come to a clear understanding in their college years.  Because of cultural bias against same sex relationships, it can take LGBT people a little longer to enter the dating world with a sense of comfort and confidence.  It seems you have found that comfort and confidence.  Perhaps, you are just a bit further down the road than your contemporaries.

Everyone at the Trevor Project cares about you and your well being.  If you need someone to listen, we are here for you.  You can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. Do you have someone, a trusted adult, a close relative, a teacher, or a school counselor with whom you can confide?  Talking can help you clarify your thoughts and feelings while receiving support.  Speaking to a therapist can assist with your depression.  On http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/ you can search for mental health services in your area. You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area.  Do not hesitate to reach out for support.