I don’t know what to do or how to feel.

Question:

I’ve never felt bad about my sexuality. When I first came out I had a coming out party. I have been out and proud for three years now. But, everything feels different now.
I was engaged to this woman that I met in college. She was straight when I met her and we dated for about a year and she never questioned her feelings until about a month ago. She was comfortable with her decision in dating me and we were really serious.
A month ago she dumped me. I bought her a ring and we were planning on getting married when we graduated. I was planning my whole life around her.
She said she was confused about her sexuality and that nothing provoked it. She wasn’t interested in a man or another woman. She just said that she was afraid that her attraction to men would grow and she would leave me or worse cheat on me with a man so she made a preemptive decision.
After we broke up we still talked often. She wanted to stay best friends and left it open ended saying we might get back together one day when she figures things out.
Last night, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to have a decision. She said she couldn’t see herself spending the rest of her life with a woman.
This is the first time in my life that I feel ashamed. If only I were a man, things would be different. I don’t want to transition. I just want her.
This has happened before in the past. I feel like I’ve always been other women’s experiment. I know that’s my fault but.. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
I’ve been clinically depressed for four years. This isn’t helping. I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
I need help.

Savannah

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Answer:

Savannah,

We’re sorry to hear about your heartbreak. Breaking up with someone you love can be very painful – especially if you were engaged. We’re glad, however, that you reached out to us here at The Trevor Project. It’s not always easy to reach out for help. While we’re saddened to hear that you’re hurting right now, we commend you for taking the brave step of reaching out to us.

Breakups can be extremely painful. We ask you to please understand that you did nothing wrong. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds as if your friend needs some time to explore her own sexuality and feelings. While many individuals rarely or never question their sexual orientation, many others do – sometimes throughout their entire lifetime. What we ask you to understand is that no matter how your friend identifies, it does not take away from the relationship you once had together. Your relationship was real and the love you shared together during it was real.

We understand that this can be a tough, confusing, and difficult time. Do you have support? It’s important to surround yourself with supportive individuals during a tough time. If you have supportive family members or friends, we encourage you to talk with them about your feelings. Is there an LGBTQ organization nearby that offers support services? Such an organization can help connect you with likeminded and supportive individuals. You can visit: http://www.lgbtcenters.org/ to see if there’s an LGBTQ Community Center near you.

You say that you’ve struggled with clinical depression for years. A painful experience such as a breakup can be very tough while coping with depression. Do you have a counselor or trained mental health professional who you can talk to? Seeking treatment for depression and talking to a professional about your feelings can help. If you need help locating a mental health care provider, please try visiting: http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/MHTreatmentLocator/faces/quickSearch.jspx.

Once again, we’re saddened to hear about your heartbreak. We’re glad, however, that you contacted us. We hope that you continue to reach out for support. Please remember that here at The Trevor Project, we’re always here for you. For a list of our programs, please visit: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/Programs.

And remember: If you ever need to talk, we’re always here to listen. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You matter. 866.488.7386

- The Trevor Project