I just don’t have idea where to get advice for this. So basically I realized I like one of my friends, who is a girl, and she likes that I am also a girl. She often teases me in a sexual manner, like trying to touch my chest and says “If I was a boy she would go out with me”. This annoys me but also leaves me more confused. I am not sure what gender I am attracted too more. I like kind/pretty people who make me laugh and have a good time.
She is in a good relationship with someone. Me, her and her boyfriend are good friends. I sometimes feel jealous and horrible since they are just cute together and I can’t do anything but just watch them while they play/hug when we hang out. I can’t do anything but smile and be happy for them. I also have some feeling for him because he’s a gentleman, he takes good care of her. But sometimes I feel so lonely that I snuggle with a pillow thinking about her and cry myself to sleep because I feel like a horrible person that I could have feelings for her and him? They are a good team together. They are so lucky to have each other. How can I come in middle of them? The pain in my heart sometimes gets addictive that I continue to cry every night sometimes.
I can’t talk to people about this kind of thing because I am not very good with sharing my feelings. I just don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t know what to do. I won’t start cutting myself because I am too afraid that my parent/friends finding about it. Just continue crying myself to sleep?
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Thank you for taking the time to submit your concerns. That in of itself takes a lot of courage and I commend you for that! Questioning sexual orientation is a very natural and normal part of life. The great thing about exploring your own sexual orientation is that there is no rush in making decisions. Take your time in this exploration and be patient with yourself. I also commend you in making the effort to share your feelings because I know you said it’s hard for you to do that but you did such a great job in doing that in this letter.
In trying to understand your sexuality, it might be helpful to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. Keeping an open mind and educating yourself by asking questions like what you are doing now is the way to go!!!
I also wanted to address your desire to cut. People cut as a way of dealing with or managing difficult, painful, overwhelming emotions or stress. For some, cutting relieves stress or tension or they find that the physical pain of cutting is a distraction from the emotional pain. It is very normal to have the desire to cut as a means of dealing with difficult emotions and stress just like what you have been going through with questioning your sexuality. It’s important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, and sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel shame, guilt, depressed and out of control. If you feel like cutting, there are lots of ways to help yourself feel better without putting yourself at risk. For some people, doing something physical like running or yoga can help relieve stress. There are websites available including www.safe-alternatives.com and www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut.
I want to encourage you to talk about your questions with someone that you trust whether it be a friend, parent, relative, teacher or school counselor. Also, keep in mind the use of Trevor Space (trevorspace.org). It’s the Trevor Project’s see, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality/gender identity. Remember that we also have Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR and TrevorChat as well.
The following links may be some great additional resources for you to explore more questions/concerns that you may have. Again, I wanted to thank you for the courage that you showed writing to askTREVOR.