I made my best friend begin to question her sexuality

Question:

Hi, Trevor.

I am 14 and I go to school outside of my home country. At school, I met a girl and we became fantastic friends. We have this spark and we bring out the best in each other. We can talk about anything and after just 1 week apart because of a vacation we have tons to catch up on, etc.

Since I trusted her so much and I knew that she was OK, accepting and non-judgemental or LGBT peoples, I told her that I was bisexual because I wanted to avoid any judgement because I know that people might appear to be safe to tell but really aren’t. Everything was fine and I later took the step of ultimate trust and told her the truth: I am lesbian and want to be a man sometimes. Everything is still OK. We talk about anything- lesbian, transgender stuff, absolutely anything.I trust her so much I told her that I wanted to commit suicide and had multiple plans to be able to do so. I told her about my cutting. My first question is this: I am in love with her. I see myself being with her, kissing her (and all the feelings a lesbian has for someone she loves). I want to tell her, but it would probably make things very awkward since I am pretty sure she is straight and she is pretty sure she is straight as well.

This brings me to my next question: we were talking one night and I told her that I didn’t think she was straight, even from when I met her. I said that after she said that she thought of herself being a little lesbian, maybe 5-10%. I know now that I am the person who has made her begin to question her sexual orientation. I apologized the next day and said that I shouldn’t have said that and that wasn’t a good thing to tell any 14 yr old girl. I was very sorry and she knows that. I feel awful knowing that I have made her start to question her orientation. I feel horrible and want to make sure she knows that I am there for her like she is for me.

In general, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help her and I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be straight and fake interests in boys, etc. Thank you so much. Your help means the world to me. xxxTriathlete

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Answer:

Dear Triathlete,

Thank you for reaching out to us here at The Trevor Project. We are here for you. I understand your not wanting to pretend to be someone you are not. We all deserve to live out who we are. It is wonderful that you have this friend whom you trust and accepts you as you are. As your friend has respected your being lesbian, and helped you feel accepted with your transgender feelings, you may want to consider offering her the same respect that she is straight. That is a way to honor your friendship and for you to be a safe place for her just as she has been for you.

Speaking of safety, I must address your mentioning suicide plans and cutting. Your safety is especially important! I understand the emotions and pain that can be felt while figuring out sexual orientation and navigating friendships and love. Finding a way to manage the questions, and deal with the possibility of rejection, feelings of loneliness, depression, anger, stress can be overwhelming. Can you talk with your parents, a relative, teacher or school counselor? It can be very difficult to stop cutting and it is important to tell a trusted adult about this so that they can help you find a therapist for you to work with to find safer ways to deal with the painful things you are going through. You can also call 1-800-DON’T-CUT where you can be referred to a therapist in your area. When you have the urge to cut, or are thinking about suicide, reach out to a trusted adult if possible. If not, you can always call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor (1-866-488-7386). You are not alone to deal with what you are feeling or experiencing.

If you are interested in connecting with other youth in the LGBTQ community check out TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org. It’s the Trevor Projects safe, online social networking site where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality/gender identity.
With questions of being a lesbian or transgender you many want to check out these brochures “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” at http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177
And “I Think I Might Be Transgender…Now What Do I Do?” at http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/731?task=view

I hope this helps. If you have any other questions that you think we can help with, feel free to contact us again at Ask Trevor or by using TrevorChat or TrevorSpace. And, if you are alone and having thoughts of suicide or cutting, don’t hesitate to call 1-866-4-U-Trevor. We are always here.

Thanks again for reaching out!

Trevor Staff