I Need Help | Ask Trevor

Question:

I like to be sometimes regarded/treated as a female but my mum asked me why and I don’t know how to explain it; please help me lol.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hey there. It’s not always easy to articulate how we feel about things, particularly when it relates to our most basic human instincts. It is true that most people identify as male or female, but, for many of us, how we identify/feel on the inside simply does not match the gender assigned to us at birth.

We’re all unique in different ways. It looks like mom’s curious as to why you’re unique in this particular way, but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy one to explain. It’s not like she’s asking why you feel like pizza tonight. She’s asking why you feel the way you do about something that is so deep that it goes to your own internal core. Your own natural instincts are all in play, all doing their thing, and all on their own. The result is that you feel the way you do, and how you feel is how you feel. That may well be the real answer, even if it doesn’t seem like the world’s most satisfactory explanation. But we aren’t talkin’ pizza here.

There’s this nifty brochure addressing similar questions from real young people like you that you might be interested in taking a look at. It addresses situations where people feel more comfortable expressing themselves as one gender rather than another. The brochure is called “I Think I Might Be Transgender, Now What Do I Do?,” and even if you aren’t thinking that you might fall within the so-called label of “transgender,” you still might find some handy information in there that applies to you. The brochure is available here: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/storage/advfy/documents/transgender.pdf.

Have you heard of PFLAG? That stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They’ve also published a helpful guide to questions from young people like you about self-expression and self-identity. This one may even be a good one to share with your mom to help you try to articulate how you’re feeling. It’s available here: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf.

In addition to these resources, we, too, offer a resource that you’ll like. We call it TrevorSpace. Have you heard of it? Every day, we meet more and more people like you, so we decided to create this safe, online social networking site for young people aged 13 to 24 so you can all connect with one another. It’s helpful to connect with someone your age who feels just like you do so you can compare notes. Check it out: http://www.trevorspace.org.

We recommend these resources for you so that you can try to understand – for yourself – how you feel. Understanding things for yourself could help you in articulating your feelings to your mom, but that’s only if you choose to try to explain it to her (or to anyone else). It’s always good to have people to talk to, especially your mom – but only if you feel that your mom has sufficiently indicated to you that she’s open-minded and willing to try to understand where you’re coming from. You might also want to make sure you keep a good relationship with one of your favorite teachers or aunts or uncles who you know you can trust so you can go to them to share your feelings on a rough day. Remember, there’s no rush to figure out how you feel or why you feel that way. You’re just you, and that’s all that matters.

Now, if your mom doesn’t seem to get it, or if she persists in asking you “why,” it might get annoying, and it might even make you feel pressured. Keep this in mind: you don’t owe people an explanation. When people persist in asking us “why,” even after we’ve tried to explain things to them, it sometimes seems like they’re not truly curious at all and instead are just trying to make us feel like we shouldn’t feel the way we do. It’s as if they’re saying that we aren’t allowed to feel how we feel unless we can somehow provide a full explanation that magically persuades them to finally understand. Well, these people don’t need to understand, and we don’t owe them an explanation. How we feel internally is how we feel internally. No one gets the right to object. Not even mom.

Definitely keep us updated on AskTrevor. We love hearing from you. You can even tell us about specific stories or events to get some feedback. I trust that you already know about LifeLine and TrevorChat. If you ever feel like you’re being pressured to explain yourself so much that you just can’t take it anymore, message us on TrevorChat or call us at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR. We’ll talk you through it.

Good luck with mom.

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff