I am not sure if I am gay or not. I have never liked girls before but I think I do now. I don’t know if I like her because I’m gay or if is because I thought she was a boy when I met her. I feel different when shes around. I feel good and I can be myself around her. I find myself thinking of her all the time and evening dreaming of her now. She is a transgender I think. I can’t talk to my parents or anyone in my family because they don’t approve of it. I just need to figure out who I am and what to do next.
Thanks for listening,
Letter submitted by:
Dear Confused Girl 16,
First let me mention that I am so glad you decided to send AskTrevor a letter! It’s great that you are seeking advice about how to deal with what seems like a confusing time in your life. It shows a lot of strength and courage on your part. It’s hard to admit that one is confused about their feelings. The fact that you not only realize that you are feeling unsure about how to understand your feelings but that you also decided to get advice regarding it really shows that you are both courageous and honest with yourself. These are very admirable qualities–especially coming from someone who is only sixteen!
It’s hard to know how to describe the way one feels–especially when one has special feelings for another person. It’s even harder if this is the first time in your life where you have ever had these kinds of feelings for a girl. These feelings are new and hard to understand. The fact that you thought she was a boy when you first met her probably makes this even more confusing–I imagine that you’re probably concerned that you might only have these feelings because she looks like a boy and that you wouldn’t have them if she looked more like a girl. The fact that you think about her all the time and have started dreaming about her probably makes you feel even more uncertain about how to understand these feelings. It becomes even harder to manage all of these feelings when your family does not approve of homosexuality. It is therefore completely understandable that you are feeling uncertain about both whether or not you should identify as a gay person and what you should do from that point forward.
I think the most important thing for you to do is to remain as honest and open with your feelings as you are now. It seems like you really do have special feelings for this person. This is something you should focus on. It is difficult to know how to define one’s sexuality–especially at the age of sixteen. This is because sexuality is fluid and not set-in-stone. It takes a lot of time and experience in order to get a good grasp on how to define one’s sexuality. It seems like the feelings you have for this person are pressuring you to define your sexuality right now and that not knowing how to is really stressful and upsetting for you. My best advice is to focus more upon these feelings you have for this person in order for you to get a clearer picture of how you feel. Once you get a clearer picture of how you feel then I think you will feel more comfortable and able to define your sexuality–whether you end up defining yourself as gay, bisexual, straight, or something else.
Also know that one’s sexuality–while certainly an important quality–is but one attribute among many that a person possesses. There is so much more to a person than just their sexuality. You might not know how to define your sexuality right now because this is the first time you have ever had these kinds of feelings for a girl… but this is completely OK. You possess many other beautiful, important characteristics. For instance, I know that you are courageous, honest, and strong because of the fact that you decided to send AskTrevor this letter. These are important qualities that I know you possess. Not knowing whether you are gay or straight does not change this. I promise that over time you will develop a clearer picture of your sexuality. Until then, try not to worry too much about how to define it–there is much more to you as a person than what your sexuality may be.
Please know that we are always here for you. If you ever want someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR. You can also always go on TrevorChat if you want to talk to someone on your computer. Never forget that there are people in the world who care about you and who want to help you.