i really dont know

Question:

OK, I’m not sure what to do. First off, I am female, and I have a really good friend of mine who is my best friend and I find her attractive – like, really attractive. She says she’s fat, but I don’t see it. I don’t see anything wrong in her. To me she is perfect. Every time I look at her, I think she is more beautiful than the last time I looked at her, even if it was 5 minutes ago.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am – if I am bi, straight, lesbian or just curious? I mean yeah, I would make out with her, and she knows how I feel about her. She says she has had a hunch for a while now, but it is just really hard because I honestly don’t know what to do. I know nothing will ever happen between us, and I know that for a fact.

Sometimes I think I was meant to be a male, not a female, because I know I would treat my friend as if she were a queen. But I really don’t know … If you could please help me, I would really appreciate it.

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Answer:

You are an amazing and very brave person for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you’re having questions about your sexual orientation and gender identity, and it might help to know that questioning these things is very natural and something that many, many people question. Some people are sure of their sexual orientation and gender identity as children, others as teens, while others continue to question this as adults. In addition, your attraction to your friend seems to be causing you a lot of different feelings. I’m so glad that you wrote to Ask Trevor for help and support with everything you’re feeling and going through.

It sounds like you and this girl are very close friends. I think it’s important to understand that we can’t always choose with whom we fall in love. Sometimes we fall in love with close friends. It happens despite our best efforts. And that’s OK. Falling in love is never a bad thing. Falling in love with a close friend is great because you already know a lot about that person, and you know that you get along well.

Unfortunately, love is not a science, and no one is an expert on the rules. Some of the smartest people in history were terrible at love. We learn best by being honest about our feelings with ourselves and our loved ones.

If she is a good friend, then she will respond to you in a way that won’t hurt you, and she will be your friend no matter what. Although her response may not be what you want to hear, hopefully there will be a strong enough bond to continue your friendship in a healthy way.

I think it’s great that you are learning more about your sexuality and gender identity. As you learn more about how you feel, you will decide on a label that you feel comfortable with. Or you may not want any label. Either way, it’s your choice, and one that may change with time.

In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic, as well as physical feelings and attraction to people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about dating: girls, boys or both.

There are many resources available that could help you learn more about your identity. One of the best is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). This is a great organization, made up of mostly parents, that promotes the health and well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through support, education and advocacy. If you go to PFLAG’s Web site (http://www.pflag.org), and click on the “Gay, Lesbian & Bi” or “Transgender” tabs at the top, they will provide you with links to information and support. This could be really helpful information to you, especially as you learn more about your sexuality and want to share it with the people you care about. PFLAG also has local chapters in many cities across the Unites States; there may be one close to you.

On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 , you’ll find the brochure, “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?”, which may help you with your questions about your sexuality. On www.bisexual.org, you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on “Resources,” then “Bisexuality – General Information,” then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG,” you can find information that may help.

On http://www.genderspectrum.org/, you will find many resources related to gender identity. PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there’s no rush to figure this out.

No matter what happens, you can always contact the Trevor Project here through Ask Trevor. We also have Trevorchat, which is a forum in which you can chat with trained volunteers about anything that’s troubling you. And the Trevor Lifeline, which you can reach by calling 1-866-488-7386, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week in the United States. There will always be someone there to help you talk more about the questions you have about your sexuality, as well as your feelings for your friend.

The Trevor Project also has an online social network at http://www.trevorspace.org. It’s an online community where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning (LGBTQ) and straight youth ages 13 to 24 can talk with each other, provide support, and find resources in their communities.

I hope this information has been helpful, and I hope it works out for the best. Please contact the Trevor Project with any other questions, or just to let us know how everything goes.

Trevor Staff