I still think I’m might be bisexual

Question:

At the beginning of the year I got into the whole LGBT rights thing. I had never really thought of doing that until I was reading a book one day. I realized it’s something I fully supported – something I actually thought was right. My sister found out that I was following LGBT organizations / people on Twitter and LGBT groups on Tumblr. Eventually she implied that I was lesbian. Immediately, I thought ‘NO! – No, I wasn’t.  it was something I just cared about.’  But she persisted and ended up joking about it to her friends that came over…  It really got me thinking. I’ve kissed a girl before but only because I was dared. I didn’t feel repulsed, but I also wasn’t like ‘omg I like kissing girls I’m lesbian!’

I’ve had guys ask me out but I have always turned them down.  I had crushes when I was younger, but now that I’m older I can’t really see myself doing anything with a guy. There is a guy I like now but I can’t like see myself kissing him or doing anything really intimate with him. I maybe thought I was Bisexual. I wasn’t going to tell anyone because I’m still young and I’ve always believed that if you were gay or anything you have to try it to really know you were gay. But now I’m thinking that I’m not attracted to girls because I’ve never really had a crush on one. But I don’t think I’m attracted to guys either. I talked to my cousin who is Pansexual; I told her that I thought I was asexual. She laughed, saying that you are always asexual at one point. But I’m serious I don’t think that I could ever have sex with a girl and the mere thought of having sex with a boy just sounds so disgusting I can’t even think about it. I still think I might be bisexual because I guess I also don’t care. I know that sounds kind of confusing and I’m guessing that when/if I get a reply then you are not going to tell me which one you think I am. But I don’t care; I just want to know.  I just want an idea of what someone else thinks because I can’t really tell anyone that I’ve kissed a girl and what not. I just want an idea – can you PLEASE give me one?!?!?

Ashley

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Answer:

Dear Ashley,

Thank you for writing to us at the Trevor Project.  It takes courage and self-examination to take a step like that!  It is completely normal to be having the type of feelings that you are having and to be asking these types of questions.   There is no deadline to decide your sexual orientation and you there is no requirement to make it public if you don’t want to or are not ready.  Being LGBT is natural and normal (and quite common), in the same way that being heterosexual is natural and normal.  You may be Bisexual, Lesbian, Heterosexual, or any other sexuality that you feel describes the specific feelings you have.

Ashley – you are correct.  I am not going to tell you what your sexuality is.  I can’t.  I can’t because I can’t experience your emotions and I can’t feel your feelings;  Only you can.  But sexuality isn’t something you have to figure out right now, and it is possible that your emotions and feelings could evolve or grow stronger or clearer to a point where you can pinpoint the way you feel.  Or you may not even feel the need to define them.  A bisexual is an individual who loves women AND men – and that sexual attraction and those feelings feel natural.  Being bisexual does not necessarily mean you are attracted to both genders equally – you feel more strongly about one over the other.  You should proceed with your life and take note of who you feel emotionally connected to, who you fantasize about being with, and who you have crushes on.   If you don’t like one particular boy or girl, it doesn’t mean you don’t any boys or any girls.  Who did/do you like kissing? Who do you want to kiss?  The answer could be both genders (bisexual), the same gender (lesbian), or the opposite gender (heterosexual).   Or perhaps, you’ll discover that none of those labels accurately describe you.  But it doesn’t matter – you don’t necessarily need to define yourself by some deadline, you will only want to define who you love.  As you get older, it is likely that this will become more apparent.  By the way, I think it is also important for you to note that you can be an active supporter of LGBT rights and not be LGBT – there are millions of public figures and everyday people who feel that way.

In closing, I wanted to provide you with a few resources:

On the below website you’ll find the brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” which may help you with your questions about your sexuality: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177  . Even if you don’t consider yourself lesbian, this may help you determine if you are attracted to women.

And http://www.bisexual.org/ is a resource about bisexuality - If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” you can find information that may help.

When you are ready, I encourage you to talk these feelings over with someone you trust – a friend, parent, relative, counselor, etc. – perhaps, your cousin could be an understanding resource.  If you’d like to explore other options, Trevor Chat (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat) is a free, online, confidential live chat where people can answer your questions.  Finally, Trevor Space is a social networking site you can join and relate to others (trevorspace.org).

Thanks for writing Ashley!  While I can’t answer this question for you, I am hoping I gave you some resources that can help.

The Trevor Project