I want to talk to my mom about me being bisexual.. but when i told her i was bi-curious she freaked out, so i told her i wasnt.. bu

Published Letter #805 - Posted in , .

Question:

I want to talk to my mom about me being bisexual.. but when I told her I was bi-curious she freaked out, so I told her I wasn’t.. but I like girls and guys.. it’s not my fault, and.. I used to cut because i couldn’t handle the pain of hiding it, of her hating gays, and because of my dad abandoning me, even though he lives on the other side of town… I just don’t know what to do anymore, I was going to kill myself in the past but I cant, because i don’t want hated more than I already am, I just don’t know if I should tell my mom i’m bi, maybe even lesbian, or not…

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Answer:

I’m so glad you wrote to the Trevor Project, and I apologize for taking so long to write back (we had some technical issues with the site.) It’s great that you are self-aware and know that you like girls and guys. You’re absolutely right that it’s not your “fault,” it’s just who you are!  I know you mentioned that you used to cut, and that you were going to kill yourself in the past but you can’t. I hope that this is in the past, but if you are ever feeling like that again, please do call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

With regard to coming out as bi to your mom, you said that she freaked out when you told her you were bi-curious.  I don’t know exactly what she did or said, but the most important thing is that you are safe. Some of the positives to coming out are that it can let people in your life know about an important part of your life, it can help you to feel less alone, meet new friends as well as possibly meet people to date. In trying to figure out whether or not to come out, it can help to ask yourself some questions including: What does it feel like keeping this part of your life a secret? Does it cause you a lot of stress worrying about them finding out? Are you worried that if you told your family or your friends, you’d be unsafe physically or emotionally? If you told your parents, are you concerned that they might kick you out of the house? If you decided to tell them and they did kick you out, it would be important to have a safety plan, meaning a safe place where you could live and continue to go to school and a way to support yourself financially. Some people decide to wait until they are living away from home and are financially independent before telling members of their family about their sexual orientation/gender identity. If you feel now is the right time, that’s absolutely fine. What is most important is that you are comfortable and safe.  There’s a good article here about coming out to parents: http://amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource/youthresource-comingout

You also might want to join TrevorSpace, the online social network for LGBTQ youth ages 13-24. There, you can chat with other people who might be going through similar things as you. It’s available at www.trevorspace.org.  And remember there is the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR and TrevorChat.  We are always here for you!

~Trevor