Hi, I’m Ja. I have a lot in my mind, I have a lot of things I’m going through and it is hard to stay sane all the time.
I identify as bi for as long as I can remember (officially 14. But I’ve always found girls attractive in that sense since 9. I’m 19 now.) but my only basis of my sexuality is my attraction to both sexes and that I want to have a girlfriend yet I’m not ruling out boys. I’ve kissed 2 girls before and I liked it but I know I might like kissing boys too if I have chance. I haven’t been in a relationship or had any sexual experience so I’m confused whether I’m bi or liking girls is just a phase or if I only like girls.
I went to an all-girls school from my kindergarden to my senior year. I never had boy friends before and feel really awkward around them. I do have like….3-5 guy friends now and I only feel close to one of them and he’s effeminate. I only started to find boys attractive when I was in the fifth grade yet I still don’t feel as comfortable around them as I do with girls. I like girls a lot, I think of girls a lot, I have crushes on girls and i want to have a girlfriend, love her and make her feel special. But I always wonder if this is just because I don’t have close guy friends or I never had a long-term crush on a guy before except celebrities or if because i’ve been surrounded my girls all my life and prefer their company more than boys.
Only my friends and my brother know I’m bi. But if people not my family ask I’ll probably tell them. Some of my close friends say i’m just confused but they’re very support of me liking girls so if I come out as a lesbian it’ll be totally cool to them and if I say i’m straight they’ll be okay with it too. They just think I’m playing safe with saying I’m bi. And I do think that sometimes too. Because what if I’m in a relationship with a girl and then I end up liking this guy more when i’ve come out as a lesbian?? I don’t really know but I’m not ruling out men but I like girls so much more.
And then there’s the religion part of my situation. I’m catholic and I love my religion. I love praying, going to mass and celebrating lent, Christmas and all of it. And I know God loves me no matter what but I can;’t shake off the fear. God wouldn’t make you the way you are if He doesn’t have any intentions of loving you. If He made you a lesbian, He will love you because He made you and has compassion and love. But I can’t stop thinking that I might just trying to think that. I’m not the most religious so what if my interpretations are wrong? I can’t go to counselors in my Church about this because they’ll just say it’s wrong and I’m afraid if I keep hearing that I’ll start to believe them. I already feel guilty about everything so if people push me enough I might just start following what’s “right” and hide in the closet. I have very low self-esteem so I can be swayed easily because I don’t love myself or believe in myself so it’s really hard.
I’m confused and scared. Please help. I have so much in my mind and this is only a fraction of my thoughts. I’ll write other letters so I can focus on one answer at a time. Thank you so much.
It is completely natural to feel confused about your sexuality, and struggle with the religious interpretations of what it all means in the end. You are not alone. One great way to think about sexuality, is not to view it as being either gay or straight. Sexuality is fluid, and your preference can change throughout your life.
Alfred Kinsey developed a scale, that better explains the fluidity of sexuality. It uses a scale from 0 to 6. 0 meaning you are exclusively heterosexual, and 6, meaning you are exclusively homosexual/gay/lesbian. Then there is the 1 to 5 in between, which is where I think you are falling right now. At any time, as you age, and your preferences change, that number on the Kinsey Scale can fluctuate, so you are not defined by one rating.
I do recommend that you reach out to someone who will understand the struggles you are going through, and be supportive. Seeking out guidance from people who will not support you will only disappoint and further confuse you. I strongly agree with you, that God loves you no matter what. He created you the way you are, is a great statement, and I couldn’t agree more.
There are several resources you can also look at for reference, to help you on your journey. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has an online “Coming Out Center”. I have provided the link below. If at any time, you have further questions, please do not hesitate to contact Ask Trevor again. We are always here to help answer any questions you have, and will always be supportive during this time.
Take care, and thank you for writing in.