I really don’t know how to start… Since friday I’ve been feeling really depressed… I don’t why, all I know is that I’m feeling extremely alone, like no one loves, like nobody cares if I cried, nor die. I’ve never felt like this before. My family don’t know I’m gay and everytime I even consider telling them I start panicking… I think like they won’t accept me. My parents already hate me. I’m always fighting with them (my dad’s the bigggest asshole in the world and he wants everything done the way he wants theem and when he wants them and my mom is always doing so, my sister is my best friend but we don’t talk about anything serious). I live near to my mom’s family and they are always screaming and fighting and after 18 years of taking that shit i can’t stand them anymore, everytime they start fighting I just lock myself in the bathroom and cry. My dad’s family is a mess too, I see them twice a year, well I actually just see my grandma and one of my uncles, the other 5 aren’t around.
My friends also hate me, they can’t stand me. I hang out with them and i go out like once a month with them, ever when we’re talking on facebook, they try to cut me off, not in a rude way. They just start using “yes”, “no” and “ok”. If I cry in front of them they do help me, but when I try to talk to them they start rolling their eyes. My best friend has changed me for her boyfriend and everytime i want to out with her she gives me the stuppidest excuses. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t dare to kill myself. Im too coward for that. I’m just so sick of always being sad and people treating me like shit. I’m tired of my dad’s dissapointment towards me. I don’t want to feel this sad. I just want to be happy. What can I do?
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Thanks for writing to AskTrevor. It sounds to me that you’re in a rough place that doesn’t seem like it’s going to get any better. From what I can tell, it seems that you want a circle of friends to hang out with, who will appreciate you for you. You didn’t mention if you’re out to your friends. I could imagine that if you felt you had to hide your sexual orientation from them, it could be hard to build a strong relationship. Definitely don’t come out to them if you don’t feel comfortable doing that with them. My suggestion is find friends who appreciate you. The easiest way to do that might be to join a club in school that you’re interested in. Volunteer somewhere, and you’ll meet new people. If you’d like to maintain friendships with your current friends, invite them to events. Get some together. Even getting a small dose of social interaction each day can do wonders for your mood.
If this sadness persists, I suggest you see a counselor. If you’re still in school, they have those services for free. If you’re going off to college, it’s a new start where you can meet new people. Counseling can be a great way to understand why you feel the way you feel and what you can do about it.
As for your family dynamics, have you tried sitting your parents down and telling them how uncomfortable and upset it makes you feel when they begin to argue? Perhaps you could ask them to refrain from arguing in front of you, or ask if you maybe excused from the house if they begin to argue. It sounds to me that there aren’t too many healthy relationships around you. What you can do is communicate with your family about what upsets and what’s a solution you can come up with together.
Lastly, please see a counselor, write to AskTrevor again, or call a suicide hotline if you ever think that you’ll hurt yourself. The feeling of wanting yourself might only be there for a short while, but if you harm yourself during that time, it’s something you can’t take back even if you feel better later. Here’s the number of a national suicide hotline that is toll free just in case. 1-866-488-7386. Also, AskTrevor has forums and a live chat that you can turn to whenever you want to talk. In the forum, you can talk to others just like yourself! Here’s the link to the foru http://www.trevorspace.org/ . Here’s the link to the live chat that occurs on Monday and Friday: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/lifelinechat .
If you have any other questions, feel free to write to AskTrevor again!