I’m not so sure about my sexuality…

Question:

I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a while now. I’m 21 years old. I came out at 16, but knew way before that. When I came out, I came out as a bisexual. Now, I’m starting to question if I’m really even into guys. I keep getting more and more attracted to women to the point where it’s driving me crazy.

I can’t be with a woman, though. I am married. There is already a lot of stress on my marriage and this is just making it worse. I’m so unsure of myself right now. I hate it. I honestly wish I was just straight. Being this way has put me through so much. I honestly cannot see myself having a happy future with my husband.

I don’t want to be a lesbian. I was raised being taught that homosexuality is wrong, so my mind is still set that way. I disgust myself sometimes. My family has already said hurtful things to me when I came out before. I’m scared. I’m angry. I’ll admit I have thought about suicide. I know how I would do it. I’m really lost right now …

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

I’m glad you reached out because it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced the same things and can provide you with the support you need. From what you wrote in your letter, I can tell that you are a very strong person. I’m sure there are people in your life who love and support you no matter what. Knowing this can provide you with the strength to make a life for yourself that makes you happy and fulfilled.

I’m sorry that you’re having trouble in your marriage, but you can’t blame yourself for everything that’s causing conflict. We can’t change who we are, and to try to do so only creates anger and pain, much like what you’re experiencing now.

One thing that might help you is to talk about your concerns with someone you trust. Maybe you know someone with whom you could talk about your feelings and the process of coming out to friends. Share your fears, and ask how they feel you should proceed. Talking about it with someone you trust could help you understand what you want to do and how you want to do it.

There are many resources available that could help you talk about your feelings with your family and your husband. One of the best is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). This is a great organization, made up of mostly parents, that promotes the health and well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through support, education and advocacy. If you go to PFLAG’s Web site (http://www.pflag.org), and click on the “Gay, Lesbian & Bi” tab at the top, it will provide you with links to support for coming out. One of the links is about coming out to family, friends and allies. This could be really helpful information to you, especially as you learn more about your sexuality and want to share it with the people you care about.

On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 , you’ll find the brochure, “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?”, which may help you with your questions about your sexuality. On www.bisexual.org, you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on “Resources,” then “Bisexuality – General Information,” then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG,” you can find information that may help.

PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation. Remember that there’s no rush to figure this out.

Unfortunately, a lot of people believe that LGBT people can’t be religious, or that there is something sinful or wrong about being LGBT. PFLAG has a guide called, “Faith in our Families: Parents, Families and Friends Talk About Religion and Homosexuality,” which is available to download at http://community.pflag.org/document.doc?id=494. This guide provides personal stories from families talking about religious reasons for acceptance of LGBT loved ones, and why it is the right thing to do. It could be a good resource for you to learn more about the subject, as well as to help yourself and your family understand your feelings and situation.

Many people have trouble expressing their true feelings verbally because they’re afraid their words might not be enough. Maybe you could try writing a letter or e-mail to your husband. Put down all of your feelings in writing. That way, he can take his own time to read what you have written and respond in a way that’s right for him.

If he is a good friend and truly loves you, then he will respond to you in a way that won’t hurt you. Although his response may not be what you want to hear, hopefully there will be a strong enough bond to continue your friendship in a healthy way.

No matter what happens, you can always contact the Trevor Project here through Ask Trevor.

We also have Trevorchat, which is a forum in which you can chat with trained volunteers about anything that’s troubling you. And the Trevor Lifeline, which you can reach by calling 1-866-488-7386, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week in the United States. There will always be someone there to help you talk more about the questions you have about your sexuality, as well as your feelings for your friend.

The Trevor Project also has an online social network at http://www.trevorspace.org. It’s an online community where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning (LGBTQ) and straight youth ages 13 to 24 can talk with each other, provide support, and find resources in their communities.

I hope this information has been helpful, and I hope it works out for the best. Please contact the Trevor Project with any other questions. There are people who truly care about you and your well-being, and you are never alone.

Trevor Staff