Im scared | Ask Trevor

Question:

Well, i come from a very religious family, one where ‘god made adam and eve, not adam and steve’ well.. adam and eve doesnt fit well with me.. mostly because i really dont feel like an eve if you know what i mean. I feel like i am the wrong gender, stuck in this body i cant to anything with, but then the other confusing part is i like girls and guys sexually. so whats wrong with me, i feel more… in place, as a guy, but i also LIKE guys, and im attracted to them, and ive been struggling with this for a long time, so last year i told my mom i was bi.. and she freaked out, and threw things and yelled and told me i was going to hell and i dont believe in god. so to get on her good side, i started going o church and told her i was confused, well it hurts, saying your straight but really your bi, and no one can help you get through it because your afraid of being judged or worse. I mean, theres a gay kid in my school, Dakota, and he is bullied horribly but just takes it, but i cant take tat well, i get physical because its how i was raised with my dad, and i can fight it, but its hard. and then ontop of that i self harm, yes, i self harm and theres nothing terribly wrong with that because i KNOW how to do it, so i wont get badly hurt, its just my only way to cope and sometimes when things get so bad i cant breathing and it just gets too loud i cut and i can breathe again. so.. sometimes in school, ill catch myself staring at a girls ass, and just oh god, this is embarassing, but ill be thinking ‘dear lord the things i could do in twenty minutes with you’ or some thing like that, and just.. sexual thoughts, but im fifteen, thats not too wrong is it? but anyways, im just so confused on what to do, do i come out? am i gender confused or momentarily confused about myself, and is it bad that im bi?

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Answer:

Dear Claire,

Let me first start off by answering some of your questions. There’s nothing wrong with the sexual thoughts you’ve been having about other boys and girls. It’s completely normal, particularly for someone your age. Additionally, there is nothing wrong with being bi. Sexuality and sexual identity are complicated issues that many adolescents deal with and can often be confused about or feel uncertain about. Rest assured that you are 100% normal and should feel proud of yourself for recognizing these questions you have about yourself.

Let’s next talk about your self-injuring. It is important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel ashamed, guilty, depressed or out of control. For someone like you who has experienced loneliness and stress in questioning your gender identity and sexuality, cutting may temporarily relieve that stress, and make you feel in control when things in your life may feel out of whack. But in the long run, it isn’t safe and there are many ways to make yourself feel better when you feel like cutting. If cutting helps to release anger, try to direct this anger towards something that won’t cause bodily harm to yourself like hitting a pillow, ripping up an old newspaper or flattening aluminum cans. If cutting helps relieve stress, try resorting to something productive like art, meditation or physical activity. Go for a run, pain a picture, write in a journal, or take up yoga. There are website available including www.safe-alternatives.com that can help you learn about cutting as well substitute behaviors that will help you cope. Regarding your mom, know that despite what you’ve been taught, there is nothing wrong with being bisexual and feeling confused about your gender identity. There are many religious leaders and members of religious communities who teach love, acceptance and equality for all people and are supportive of LGBT people. Your decision to come out to others is one that is deeply personal and there is no right or wrong answer. Just make sure that if you do decide to come out to others that you feel safe doing so. Consider first confiding in a trusted adult such as a teacher, guidance counselor or relative who you know will be supportive.

Claire, there are many resources available to people in your situation. If you’d like to read more about various opinions regarding faith and sexual orientation, there is a great resource online called The Institute of for Welcoming Resources at http://www.welcomingresources.org. As you explore your sexuality and gender identity, consult http://bisexual.org you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality by clicking on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG”. Also, check out http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177 where you can find a brocuhure entitled “I Think I Might Be Transgender, Now What Do I Do”? Lastly, if you ever have the need to talk about anything, feel free to call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-Trevor or chat with us online at TrevorChat. Claire, don’t let anyone make you feel that you’re not normal or defying religion by being the way you are. You are not alone and everyone here at the Trevor Project are pulling for you and have faith that you’ll stay strong and safe.

Trevor Staff