I’ve been looking all over for a help site. I’m not suicidal or anything, but I have questions that I need answered…. I realized I was bisexual last summer, because my best friend was dating another girl, and we were so close that her girlfriend thought I liked her, so I was like “No, we’re just friends” without even thinking about it because I’d never thought of a girl that way before…. After they broke up, I realized I was relieved, and couldn’t figure out why. By the time she threw her back-to-school sleepover in August, I was sure I was bi. I told her I liked her and we started dating the second day of school. She had issues, and I thought as her girlfriend I could help her more, but it still wasn’t enough. She cut herself a lot and did drugs. I told her I loved her, and didn’t want anything to happen to her, and she didn’t believe me. She didn’t believe anyone loved her. Finally in October she broke up with me. Soon after she stopped smoking and doing drugs. She still cuts herself and calls herself fat (she is, but since when is fat synonymous to ugly? Isn’t it what’s inside that matters?), but she’s doing a lot better now…. I think she knows I still like her even though I won’t talk to her about it and everyone else has just assumed I’m straight…. I don’t look at anyone else…. I’ve never liked another girl, and I haven’t even looked at any guys since I’ve been with her, even though we’ve been broken up for months. I know she’s got a lot to deal with right now and might even be moving away (her mom’s a bad parent, so she could be moving out), so I’m wondering how to tell her.
P.S. I used to get nauseous when I kissed her or when she talked about hurting herself…. I explained it away as stress, but it got to the point where I felt sick all the time (near the end of the relationship and after when we still hooked up for a while) but I figured it was just because I felt kinda used….
It sounds like you’ve had a ton of really difficult stuff going on. I’m sorry that you are dealing with all of this, but I have to say, you sound like you’re dealing with it all amazingly well. I know it must be really hard to not know how to help your friend or what to tell her, and to feel used. From the way you write, I can tell you are very intelligent, and the questions and insights you have are really smart and caring, and a wonderful friend and girlfriend.
First off, if you feel that your friend is putting herself in danger by cutting (there is always the possibility that even if this is done in a non-suicidal way, that it could inadvertently cause a life threatening injury or death) it is really important that you let someone know, so they can help your friend. If you are concerned, then it’s really important that you let her parents or other responsible adult in her life know what is going on, and that you are concerned for her safety. There is also a hotline for cutting – 1-800-dont-cut (800-366-8288) which offers assistance for people who cut.
As for your question, it sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation with your friend. Clearly you have a strong emotional history together, and as you said, she is dealing with a lot. But it can only help for her to know that you care for her. Also, it may help you to figure things out if you talk about all of this with someone else – is there someone else you are comfortable sharing all of this with? Maybe a close friend? A cool teacher at school? An aunt or uncle or older cousin, or maybe a sibling? Also, we’d be happy to talk or chat with you – you can find a link to TrevorChat on our homepage, and it’s available Monday, Friday and Saturday afternoons, and of course our Helpline is available 24/7, everyday, at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386). Once you’ve run through the conversation that you want to have with your friend beforehand, with someone else who you trust, it’ll be easier to have the real conversation with your friend.
Everything you’ve done so far has been great – you sound like a great girlfriend that anyone would be lucky to have, and a good friend as well. Talking about this situation is the best way to help, both yourself and her. Don’t hesitate to get in touch with us to talk this through.