Is falling in love with your straight best friend – common for bisexuals and homosexuals?

Question:

Dear Trevor,
I’m bisexual and I really only accepted this myself about 2 years ago. I haven’t told anyone else because I don’t think anyone would understand or accept me, especially my (very religious) family. But one of the major things that made me realize I’m bisexual was when I realized I’m in love with my best friend. I’ve known her for 5 years now and she’s the absolute sweetest girl you’ll ever meet. She’s also incredibly straight. Homosexuality came up a lot in my (Christian) school’s Ethics class last year, and she once mentioned to me that she thought bisexuality is disgusting. She doesn’t know I’m bisexual, but for me that really hurt, and just kind of rubbed my face in the fact that we’ll never be together. But I can’t ever imagine getting over her. I mean, sure I’ve had crushes on other people, but I’ve always loved her more than anyone else. So my question is: is this situation – falling in love with your straight best friend – common for bisexuals and homosexuals? Especially if you don’t know any other bisexuals or homosexuals? And generally for people in this situation, how hard is it to get over that person? I really really hope I can get over her once I come out and start meeting girls I actually have a chance with, but like I said I just can’t ever imagine not loving her.

Catherine

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Answer:

Dear Catherine,First, congratulations on reaching that point of self-acceptance. It can be hard to come to terms with your sexuality, so that is something to be proud of. As for your feelings for your best friend, know that it is not unusual to fall in love with a close friend. There’s nothing weird about that at all. It happens to many people, straight or otherwise. When you have that close connection to another person it can be easy for that closeness to evolve into love. To answer your second question, the fact that you don’t know any openly gay or bisexual girls could have had a hand in why you fell for her, but that’s not necessarily the only reason. Regardless, it is something that happens to people of every sexual orientation.

It can be difficult to get over loving a best friend since she is a constant in your life, but it isn’t impossible. How difficult it will ultimately be is hard to say. Generally time and distance can help lessen unrequited love, but that is sometimes hard to handle with someone so close. Try to distract yourself from these feelings, whether it’s by spending more time with other friends or trying out a new hobby. Remember that these feelings will pass with time and that you will meet other girls (or boys) in the future who will be just as attracted to you as you are to them.

Also consider checking out some of our resources, such as TrevorSpace.org, where you can meet and chat with other LGBTQ youth in a safe place. It can be challenging to deal with things like same sex crushes when you are in an unsupportive environment, so TrevorSpace can be a great resource as it allows you to talk to others going through those same issues. Remember that no matter what happens with you and her, things will go on and get better for you. If you ever need our help again, feel free to contact us through AskTrevor, TrevorChat, or through our Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR.Sincerely,
Trevor Staff