I’ve given up.

Question:

for about 3 years now ive been with a guy..and over the past year he has treated me like shit. and i dont mean just cheating. at first it was all great like always, but after awhile this started to change. it start to hit my hard when he forced me to have sex with him… he had hi brother hold me down while he…. raped me… then not to long after that he did it again… and he told me if i told he’ll hurt me… but that’s not where it ends… he wanted to run away ( or so i thought) so he came and picked me up one night and we were going to go faraway. well we got about to town from my house and he stops and tells me to get out , that i’m geting fat and i need to lose wait so i had to walk home… so i did… and he was at my house when i got back….and he held me down and raped me once again…. his time… he hurt me … i had bruses and he craked my wrist… he left me alone in the floor,,, my mom found me … and she thought i had fallen forthe longest time… well she told me to the hostial… and only to find out i have developed cancer…. and i had a 50/50 chanse of making till im 40…. yeah… i still have to deal with it… after about a year of dealing with him, i told one of my friend… my best friend and she told one of my teachers. with in return told my mom who called the cops and now he will spend 40 years in jail.. b/c not only was he doing all of theses thing to me but he was also going it to other girls… b/c of all of this i am now scared to even look at a guy… and ive slowly started cuting again… and i’m to the point i want to just die… i even have it planed out.. and everthing…… i don’t know why i’m even telling you this…. maybe i just want someone to know.. but there you go there;s my story …

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Answer:

I’m so glad you reached out to us for help. You’ve been in a horrible relationship with your boyfriend, and NObody deserves to be mistreated and abused like he has done to you. You certainly didn’t deserve that abuse, and it was flat out wrong for him to have raped you. He has received justice, now you need to heal the damage that’s been done to  you, emotionally and mentally. Know that we here at the Trevor Project DO care about you, and will do everything we can to help you. You ARE a worthwhile human being, and you DO have value to this world.

First off, I want to say that suicide is a horrible answer. Consider that all of life’s situations are temporary, and you WILL make it through this crisis. Suicide is too permanent solution for life’s temporary problems. You just need some outside help (as all of us occasionally do) so that you can make it past these depressing times you’re in. Please know that there is treatment for depression and suicide including medication and/or therapy. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling and going through including your thoughts of wanting to die in order to get the correct treatment to help you to feel better and to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm you can learn more about depression and its treatment. On http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/ you can search for mental health services in your area. You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area for you to talk and work with. If you feel you’re going to act on your thoughts of suicide, please call 911 or get to the nearest hospital emergency room in order to be safe. You also need to talk to a trusted friend, maybe even your mother, about your thoughts of suicide. If there’s no one you feel comfortable talking with, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week.

It’s also important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, and sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel shame, guilt, depressed and out of control. If you feel like cutting, there are lots of ways to help yourself feel better without putting yourself at risk. Think about how you feel before and after you cut yourself. If cutting helps to release anger, you might try getting the anger out in another way like hitting a pillow, stomping around in heavy shoes, ripping up an old newspaper or flattening aluminum cans. If cutting helps you when you’re sad, do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. That may be listening to certain songs, calling a friend or eating a favorite food. Sometimes, writing in a journal or drawing/painting helps a person to feel better. For some people, doing something physical like running outdoors or yoga can help relieve stress. If the cutting helps you to feel less numb, do something that creates a sharp physical feeling like putting your hand briefly in ice water or stamp your feet on the ground). There are websites available including www.safe-alternatives.com and
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut. You may need to talk to a therapist, and if you need help finding one, you can call 1-800-DON’T-CUT where you can be referred to a therapist in your area. When you have the urge to cut, you can always call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR (1-866-488-7386) and talk with a Trevor lifeline counselor about what you’re feeling and experiencing as well as your urge to cut which can help to delay or stop the urge to cut. They can also work with you to find a therapist to help you.

Concerning the cancer diagnosis, try to look at the positive side, even if it IS “only” 50/50. It’s an even bet that you WILL make it to 40, and possibly (probably) even to old age. People have beaten cancer with worse odds. And how do you know that you won’t be among them? Life is not that certain, but a lot will depend on you having a positive attitude. Attitudes can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you’re going to make it, you can improve your odds in your favor. So keep fighting it, for life really CAN be worth living. You deserve to live a good life, certainly much better treatment than your past relationship. Not all men are cruel, and trust me, there are plenty of nice, kind guys who are single, with a lot of love to give, and wish they could find someone like you. You never know what’s going to happen in the future, but all you can do is hope for the best, plan on living longer, and realize that, like Auntie Mame once said, “life is a banquet”. It can be for you, too.

And realize that we at AskTrevor are available any time you need to vent, need advice, or just want someone to talk to.  You can also find friendships on TrevorSpace. And if you are having a crisis and need to talk to someone immediately, call 1-800-4-U-TREVOR any time 21/7 to talk to one of our trained staff members. Please DO keep us informed as to what’s happening and how you’re coping. As I said, we really DO care about you.

Love,

The Trevor Project