Im married and wondering how and if I should ever come out…. We have three wonderful kids. But cant stop thinking of being with a guy!!!!!! What do I do?
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I’m glad that you wrote. And, I am happy we can be here for you. It sounds like you are dealing with a really difficult situation. I really respect you for taking the wellbeing of your kids into account when considering what you should do – definitely a sign of being a great dad, which I’m sure you are!
First of all – there’s no rush! If it seems like right now is not the best time to come out, then don’t pressure yourself to do so until the time is right. Give yourself some time to think. I have more questions for you than answers – but because you know the situation so much better than I do, you will be the best person to answer these questions, as well as you own big question. If you do come out, and let people know about your attraction to guys, will that be enough? Or do you feel that you need to also be in a relationship with a guy? How will your wife react to knowing that you are attracted to guys? And how would she react to knowing you want a relationship with a guy? Do you feel you would be able to deal with whatever consequences might arise if you were to come out? While it can be a relief to come out, to be honest with the people around you, and be in the relationship you desire with a man, it can also be difficult if that causes harm to your marriage or to your relationship with your kids. I don’t want you to lose something you love – your family. Only you can figure out whether that would happen. You’ll need to decide for yourself what the outcome might be, and whether it is an outcome you are OK with.
There are a couple of things you can do to try to prepare: first, you can talk through an imaginary conversation with you wife, either in your head, or even out loud to yourself (also, we are happy to do this with you if you want to call us – we can act out the whole situation so that you feel more comfortable with what you will say. More on that later – our phone number is below). Another way to prepare might be to get your wife to comment on a similar situation – maybe get her to watch a movie or TV show with you that deals with a character coming out, and then, in a casual way mention it, to try to get her to talk about the topic and get an idea of how she feels and how she might react to it if it were an actual conversation about you coming out. Really, since you know her people better than me, it is up to you to make the best decision about what to do here.
The answers will all come from you, but it can really help just to have someone to talk to about all of this. Sometimes talking to a professional therapist, or a close, trusted friend, family member or other confidant can hep to clarify things for you.
I want to let you know that we are here to talk, anytime you want – 24 hours a day, every day. We would love to talk with you and help you through this. The number is 866-4-U-Trevor (866-488-7386). If talking isn’t your thing, we also have an instant messenger chat, which you can talk in real time with us. That’s available through our website (TheTrevorProject.org). And, if you are under 24, we also have something called TrevorSpace.org which is kind of like a Facebook but just for lesbian, gay, bisexuals, transgender and questioning young people, up to age 24. And it’s moderated, so it’s a safe place to chat with people your age who are going through similar situations and may have good advice on how to deal with them.
I hope that you this helps you. Like I said, you sound like a great dad, and I think you are doing a great job of handling all of this. I hope you give us a call sometime.