I’m married and wondering how and if I should ever come out…. We have three wonderful kids. But cant stop thinking of being with a guy!!!!!! What do I do?
Letter submitted by:
Many believe sexuality to be a fluid expression. That is, one’s sexuality can fluctuate over time. Coming to a new understanding of one’s sexuality later in life is a common situation. Many times, a person recognizes a new element to their sexuality after having married and having children. You are wise to contemplate how this revelation will effect the primary relationships in your life, those with your wife and your children. Finding some support will help you find a solution which allows you to be honest about yourself while being respectful toward your family. You might find the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at http://www.hrc.org/documents/resourceguide_co.pdf helpful.
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a great organization, made up mostly of parents, which supports LGBTQ people and works to help parents and others to become more supportive and accepting of their loved one’s sexual orientation/gender identity. On their website at www.pflag.org click on “Get Support” then click on “For Family & Friends” where you’ll find the pamphlets “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People” and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People,” which, if you’re comfortable, you can share with your family members/friends to help them become more understanding and accepting of you. While some of the materials may be geared toward coming out to your parents, the prinicples apply to any relationship. PFLAG also runs support groups where parents and others can discuss questions and concerns they have about a loved one’s sexual orientation and where LGBT people can discuss issues they’re having with people in their life. On their website, you can search for a chapter near you. If no chapter is near you or if your family members/friends won’t attend, you could still contact the nearest chapter and get support and learn ways to help them become more understanding of you.
You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area for you to talk to and work with about coming out as a spouse and a parent.
This is a delicate situation. Caution is advisable. Yet, there have been married couples who have traversed this path. Your family life will change. With your recognition of your sexuality, it already has. The future depends on everyone finding a place of acceptance while acknowledging the love created through your bonds. You and your wife will always be parents to your children. You will always be your children’s father. But, the nature of your marriage will change. There will be difficulty. There will be a need for adjustment. Finding support will help minimize the disruption.