I haven’t been to school in almost 2 weeks and I could seriously use some help. In middle school (6th grade) there was this boy and we really hated each other at 1st but we later found out that what we were fighting about wasn’t true and after that he and I became really good friends. Iv always known I was gay and i’m okay with it and have never had a problem with it till now I guess. Last year in 9th grade I realized had strong feelings for my friend and a while after I realized that, I realized it wasn’t just that I had a crush on him, like iv had a crush on other guys, as I did in the past.
I thought about him every second of the day, I always was trying to get closer to him in any way I possibly could, I was the happiest around him, he was like my own personal drug and I loved him (My 1st love). I had mourned over the fact that we could never be together, but I came to terms with it and decided if I couldn’t be with him then the next best thing would be being friends with him. In 9th grade our friendship was great I was exceptionally happy with just being friends but then he told me and my friends in spring that he would be leaving because he’d missed to much school because of a leg injury and had to do Independent Studies to catch up, but that he would be back Sophomore year. After he left I was pretty depressed for a while but the thought of him returning next year gave me something to look forward to and I slowly went back to being myself. We never talked the rest of Freshman year but I eagerly waited for 10TH grade to come already. But then Summer came and we had one conversation over Facebook where during it he told me he wouldn’t be coming back because he like Independent Studies. Even after he told me that I still had hoped he would change his mind and come back but he hadn’t. Sophomore year came and no sign of him.
I was trying to get by after I came to the realization that he wouldn’t be coming back. After the 1st month in school though depression consumed me again I was still always thinking about him and I still loved him I tried to get over him, but walking by our hangout spot everyday to get to class was always a painful reminder. I haven’t been eating right since October I’m always just sleeping or just locked in my room and i’v been missing a lot of school its not that I ditch school or anything but in the morning I wake up and just feel so awful about myself and I have no idea why even though i’m alive I feel so dead inside its gotten so bad that people constanly keep looking at me and saying “Dam you look terribale” or “Wow you look like your dead”. I’v just felt really lost and I can’t stand it. I’m not sure what to do I really wanna get better, but I still think of him everyday and miss him terribly but now its not just that its gone beyond that I feel devoid of emotion everyday and when i do feel something its either feeling bad about myself or anger because other people don’t understand whats happening to me because i’m in the closet and can’t talk about it. My mom is pressuring me to go back to school because she’s worried about me but I just can’t bring myself to do it, every time I think about going back I wanna burst into tears, its duisgusting how much I still love him and how its overtaken my life like this and how it makes me wish I wasnt gay and i just don’t no how to cope with it. I’v never considered suicide, but sometimes I wish I could just dissapear for a while so I could just be alone and not have to think about my problems. Not sure if what i’v said has made sense but i really need help i’d hate for it to get even more out of hand than it already has. Thanks you so very much.
It’s great that you are feeling better than you were when you first wrote to us. However, from your letter it was clear that you care deeply about your friend and was struggling to deal with the unexpected decision that he would not be returning to school. This would be a disappointment to most people who cared deeply about another as a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. It seemed that this situation was even more difficult for you because you hadn’t yet disclosed to anyone that you are gay. So, it is understandable that you were experiencing the emotional pain that you described in your letter.
Loving someone deeply is a demonstration of the beautiful capacity you have to love others. However, the emotional pain you described along with not going to school for weeks and not eating right are symptoms of depression. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel and can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep and eat much less or much more than usual, and make you see everything in your life in a negative way.
If in the future you experience the emotions you were feeling when you wrote the letter or if you have not returned to school and/or still struggling with your appetite it will be really important that you find and adult who you can trust such as a psychotherapist who can help you manage your feelings.
You can find out more about depression and how to find a mental health therapist at the Reach Out website at us.reachout.com. We here at the Trevor Project want you to know that we are here for you when you need us. You can go to TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org to find support from others who may be experiencing similar concerns. If you feel that you are in a crisis situation you can always reach out to the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.