sexuality confusion
Question:
i am 16 in high school in the 10th grade. i have sort of liked girls and guys for 4-5 years now. i have kissed girls and guys. im more awkward and shy around girls then i am with guys. i am confused though. i mean i know bisexual isn’t a phase, but i don’t know if i am bisexual. yes i have liked girls before but i have always tend to like guys a bit more, yet i still check out girls and fantasize about girls. i dont know if i am bisexual or lesbian or straight and it is really confusing to me. if i am bisexual should i come out to people once i figure it out or wait a bit? how should i come out is there certain ways to break the news or ways to comfort or inform my parents more about bisexuality?
Answer:
Hello,
Questioning your sexual orientation is very natural. Determining how you identify yourself can be very frustrating, you should know and be assured that what you are experiencing is healthy, natural, and normal. Having attractions and feelings towards people of the same or opposite gender can really cause confusion with all different kinds of emotions being involved. I want to assure you again that what you are going through is normal and healthy, and many others go through the same thing.
There are many different labels out there, and all of them are completely normal. I would like to explain a few of them to you. Being Lesbian means you are only attracted to women if you are a woman. This also means you would have no attraction to men. Being Bisexual is the in-between and is completely normal and natural also. Being Bisexual means you are attracted to both woman and men, regardless of your gender identity. It also means you can like a woman more than a man, or a man more than a woman. Either way, how ever you feel you want to identify yourself is completely up to you and how you feel.
Think about this, in trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that your sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. Which according to your letter you have definitely begun this process! You should commend yourself for this!
I also want to address your question about coming out. I would never tell you that you need to come out, this has to be your decision to make, and it should be done when you feel most safe and comfortable in doing so. With that being said consider this. Coming out can let people in your life know about an important part of your life, it can also help you to feel less alone, meet new friends. And possibly meet people to date.
Some other things you should think about when and if you decide to come out are. What does it feel like keeping this part of your life a secret? Does it cause you a lot of stress worrying about them finding out? Are you worried that if you told your family or your friends, you’d be unsafe physically or emotionally? If you told your parents, are you concerned that they might kick you out of the house? If you decided to tell them and they did kick you out, it would be important to have a safety plan, meaning a safe place where you could live and continue to go to school and a way to support yourself financially. Some people decide to wait until they are living away from home and are financially independent before telling members of their family about their sexual orientation. If you feel now is the right time, that’s absolutely fine. What is most important is that you are comfortable and safe.”
I want you to check out these other sexual orientation resources that may also help you with the questions you are having.
On the site below you’ll find the brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now
What Do I Do?” which may help you with your questions about your sexuality.http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177
On the site below you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” you can find information that may help.
http://www.bisexual.org
I’ve included some more resources for help in coming out if you decide to. You should know that some people are fine just saying their sexuality while others find it better to ease into the discussion by first talking about a LGBT actor or character in a movie, book or television show and see how the people in their life react. You might find it helpful to write out and rehearse things you might say.
You might find helpful the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at
http://www.hrc.org/files/documents/ComingOut_ResourceGuide.pdf .
In addition, on the site below you’ll find an article called “Coming Out to Your Parents: Questions to Think About”
which may be of help to you.”http://amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource/youthresource-comingout
Your family and/or friends may have many questions about your sexuality and may need time and help to become more understanding and supportive of you. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a great organization, made up mostly of parents, which supports LGBTQ people and works to help parents and others to become more supportive and accepting of their loved one’s sexual orientation/gender identity. On their website at www.pflag.org click on “Get Support” then click on “For Family & Friends” where you’ll find the pamphlets “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People” and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People,” which, if you’re comfortable, you can share with your family members/friends to help them become more understanding and accepting of you. PFLAG also runs support groups where parents and others can discuss questions and concerns they have about a loved one’s sexual orientation and where LGBT people can discuss issues they’re having with people in their life. On their website, you can search for a chapter near you. If no chapter is near you or if your family members/friends won’t attend, you could still contact the nearest chapter and get support and learn ways to help them become more understanding of you.”
Also, if you feel comfortable doing so, you could also find someone you trust like a friend, parent, relative, teacher or school counselor to talk more about the questions you have. You can also reach out to TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org. It’s the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality. There is also TrevorChat. And the TrevorLifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor.
Your questions about your sexuality are normal and natural, just remember that, and however you decide to identify, if you decide to identify, that is completely okay too, or whether or not you decide to come out. If you have any more questions or need more help in any way just remember we are always here for you!
Trevor Staff