I’m seriously depressed………..and suicidal. There’s not a day when I don’t think of killing myself. It feels as if my world is ending…….
What’s really one of the biggest causes of my depression is school. I attend a highly competative high school and get about 8 hours of homework a night. I also have Saturday classes. Its driving me mad. I never have time for fun anymore. My life is all work, work, work. I NEVER get a break. Its killing me. Each day I get up, go to school, struggle through ’till 3:30, go to my afternoon required commmitment, go home, work until about 3am, and finally go to bed. I feels if I’m wasting my life. I don’t even have time to think, except on my weekends, or lack there of. And after a full week of school, I end up being so depressed, tired and overwhelmed tht I can’t seem to do any homework on Saturdy night or Sunday morning. As a result, i end up doing homework until 3…….. Its a vicious cycle and I’m being pushed to suicide. I could leave the school, but I don’t want to. I feel that education is incredib;y important. My goal is to go to Cornell and get my P.H.D in either Aerospace Engineering, Archaeology, or Creative Writing. I have incredibly large dreams. I know this school will get me to the places I want to go. I’m trying my hardest to get stellar grades, but I’m not. And its depression that’s causing this……. homework, lack of free time, lack of friends, my orientation/gender, etc… Now, as you can probably tell, I’m extremely hard on myself. Failure is not an option for me. And if I don’t chieve exactly what I want to, I will consider it a failure. I am unbelievably ambitious. However, I am shy. Ever since I ws in kindergarten, people have been doubting my abilities. They said I’d never be good in academica, they said my math skill were bad, and they said I’d never be accepted into the school i’m attending now…….. Well, i proved them wrong. I don’t llike when people underestimate my abilities…… In the past I’ve been picked on ruthlessly, and this is what is causing me to be rather anti-social. So, natrually, I have a need to achieve great things. But its mainly the amount of work i have to do that is causing me to seriously consider suicide. i don’t have any personal time. My life is utterly devoid of fun. I’m loosing concentration………loosing sight of everything.
Being gay also doesn’t help. I feel so awkward amoung striaght people Actualy, I’m not even sure what I am. I exhibit characteristics of all sexual orientations and gender identities. I refer to myself as being LGBT put in a blender and poured back out. I understand that that’s really not possible…but somehow it is for me. I’m not confused. I know exactly who I am. Its just, other people don’t understand. I like girls. I like drag queens. i want to be a man. Also, my gender identity is also giving me issues. I feel like six foot five and a half man………. but I’m stuck in the body of a four foot eleven girl…. this proves to be a major dillema for me. Its mindblowing how hard it is to deal with this. I’m exctly the opposite of who I natrually am. People make fun of me for my height…….and the pain is unbareable. Its excruciating when you’re constantly being reminded that you’re not who you feel like….. to take some of this pain away, I started calling myself Bartholemew. And that’s who I identify as. However, everyone else knows me by my real name…….. I don’t want to let everyone know of my identity, though, because I’m afraid of being picked on. But I’d like to be called Bartholemew so that perhaps some of my misery will be taken away……so for just one moment i can stop living in this mire of unhappiness and finally have the pleasure of being myself. I’d like to let more people know of my orientation and identity…….. but there’s really no one else I can talk to. I’ve already told my prents about my attraction to people of the same gender, but they don’t know of my desire to be a man. My mom says she will disown me if I ever get a sex change, but that’s what I want to do. I’m not sure how to handle this. She does know, however, tht I generally act like a man……. I don’t shave my legs………..and she knows it. She keeps trying to get me to shave, but it just doesn’t seem natrual. I’d like to wer shorts in the summer, but since I’m a girl and its not acceptible for women not to shave their legs, I can’t. I’m tired of having to hide because I’m a girl. I’m tired of always having to worry if people can see my leg hair…… I know, I’m really strange. I realize that. But its who I am and I can’t do anything about it. In addition to the above issues, I’m also plagued my a plethora of health issues. I have type 1 diabetes, asthma, low thyroid, low blood pressure, tree allergies, precosious puberty, low vitamin D, sebhorric dermatitis, nd other stuff I really can’t remember. Dealing with all of this stuff is really a pain…… Lately, I started scratching myself, drawing blood. I hate myself. I really do. I feel that I do not deserve to go unpunished for my drop in grades, orientation, and gender identity. I also feel bd for the way I yell at my mom….. but its because of all the stress I’m under. I end up cracking nd breaking down. And when my dad goes on a business trip, i really don’t miss him that much…. I mean I love him and all, but my depression is distracting me from what’s important. I try to help people. I help people a lot, usually at my expense. I know, sometimes I should put myself first….. But I can’t. I’m nothing but garbage anyway. If I’m going to do something, it might as well benefit someone who actually deserves to live. I want to do good in this world, I really do. The reason I’ve survived this long is because I like to see other people enjoy their lives. It also mkes me sad because I know I’ll never be able to enjoy my life……with all the work I have to do. I hate my life. Another thing that gets me annoyed is how people depict lesbians. People always seem to think they’re these hot, sexy, bad-ass chics with D-cup worthy breasts. I’m not sure why we got this reputation, but I’m certainly not like that. If anything, I’m the complete opposite. Perhaps these stereotypcal depictions are meant to satisfy men’s craving for the female body………. Well, this has me angry. Men seem to think that they can do anything to women…….that they are in charge of the female gender…… And I hate this. I’m not going to be ANYONE’S sex toy. Never. And I’m also kinda of mad tht women always let men push them around. Its infuriating. And women are usually depicted as being dependent on a man, housewives. But I’m not going to put up with this. I will not be stereotyped as being weak. Now, I know that not all men are like this. But from observations, a lot of them are. And I hate when they are direspectful to women. (change of topic here) I have many goals, my ultimate one being publishing a book. In seventh grade, I took a chance and wrote a rather daring story for my English class. At first, I was a little bi tnurvous that she would think I was crazy, but it truned out she loved it. She told me i was destine to be a great writer some day. Ever since then, I’ve been writing out my heart………..about five or so years now. I plan to fufill her prophecy…….. But I’m finding I have little time to continue working on my novel……my passion. Writing helped me through everything. Writing is my emotional outlet. Since life has presented me with so many difficulties, I tend to be rather deep and metaphorial…… the core of my writing being of meaning and virtue. Some of my stories are violent and sad though, no doubt a result of my depression and desire to die. I love writing with all my heart, but I’m loosing it. And I am slowly withering away with it. i try to talk about my feelings, but since my friend is straight, it can be a bit awkward. I’m afraid she thinks i might have a crush onher ( and sometimes,regretably, I do feel rather fond of her.) But I have a crush on another girl…….straight. I met her in seventh grade. Back then I didn’t know i was gay, but I would stroke her leg. At one point she even asked if I was gay. I was horrified. i told myself it wasn’t possible…….. but here I am, a dyke. Anyway, I’m still in contanct with her. I email her every night. She knows I like her and she’s okay with it. The problem is, she keeps taling about this one guy she knows. She tells me about how she constantly longs for him. Although it pretty obvious she has a crush on him, she denies it. She might just want to protect me. I’m not sure. But either way, I don’t feel very apprecited by her. Sometimes she’d incredibly nice, and other times she’s not. Mood swings? Maybe. But I feel alone and unappreciated……by the world. And it hurts. With all the negtive things going on in my life, it feels as if I am living a life of death. It hurts to get up. it hurts to start out the day knowing that virtually nothing good can come from it………..just more sadness and depression. i want someone to talk to. I long for someone to talk to, someone who will understand, someone who is gay. Every time I turn around, looking for someone who cares about me and would do just about anything for me, i find that there is no such person in my life. I need support. I am collapsing. My life is crap. I’m never happy. I want to die. If one more thing goes wrong, I’ll probably commit suicide. I can’t take it anymore. Suicide is most likely inevitable for me. Its just a question of when…. but I’d liek to acheive more things. I just don’t see how that’s possible with this depression. I’d like to get rid of it, and I’d like to end this suffering. Please help me. I can’t go on like this. I feel so alone and unloved. I want to live, but I want to die. i want to meet people like me………… Are there any camps I could go to? How do I get more support? Please help me. (and sorry for all the spelling mistakes. Normally I’d fix them, but its late and I’m incredibly tired and sad)
You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to reach out and share your story. Being proactive is not always easy and proves that you are strong. It sounds like you are in a dark place and anyone would feel overwhelmed with that work load. Finding that balance between ambition and not being depressed due to the work load can be tricky.
Labels can be rigid and it is certainly possible none of them fit. You are you and that could mean a mix of LGBTQ. However, it does sound like you are not happy with your gender are these transgender resources might be helpful: http://www.transyouthsupportnetwork.org/ , http://www.lauras-playground.com/trans_support_groups.htm , http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/ .
If you are thinking of suicide, please, please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. Also, please consider reaching out to someone you trust, to share these feelings with, preferably an adult like a teacher, family member (assuming it is safe), neighbor, or school counselor. You said you were ready for help and you deserve it.
You seem to be struggling with a lot of things including depression. Maybe it would be a good idea to get professional help. You could find a mental health professional that would understand: http://www.glbtnearme.org/ can be used to find LGBTQ-affirming therapists in your area.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people about coming to terms with your identity or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace ishttp://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people on http://www.trevorspace.org/forum/cat.php?id=7&sort= .
Please consider going to an emergency room if you are thinking of suicide or at least giving our 24/7 Lifeline a call. You have clearly dealing with a lot of stress and deserve additional support. Although it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone. Things sound really tough now, but suicide can be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please reach out for more support.