First, I’m a 18 y/o French student and I kind of live on my own. I’m in first year of college, and I want to talk to someone and tell my story to whom it may interest.
I’m gay, even if I had a girlfriend for 2 years, and we were happy together, but when we broke up, I realized that that wasn’t a part of me, I wasn’t into girls eventually. I became to accept this fact quite quickly, but I felt very lonely about it, so I decided to tell it to a close friend of mine in order to make the weigh go away. He reacted quite well, but then I started to have a thing for him, and he had a girlfriend and all this stuff; but now I’m over him, even if we’re friends, I know he’s not the one that I need or the one I want to love.
I wanted to say that as cute as it can be, series and videos on the net are so far away from the reality. My life is a struggle everyday, and I’m dying of not being to be who I really am, because it’s their world, not mine, and they make the rules. It’s not the fairy world medias would present, not everybody is nice and cute, it’s not easy to come out for anyone, and let’s say it frankly, a part of the “gay community” is full of it.
I know many gays, and I can tell you that all they’re searching for is either sex or mega hot bad-ass gay guy who will come and take them for the rest of their lives, and not need to work or whatever. But I don’t want to be part of it, I sort of avoid the gay community as I know it.
As you may know it, France is currently debating over gay marriage. I wen to my grandfather’s last week, and this passed on TV. He told me “If this passes , they will legalize pedophilia too”. I said nothing, but a part of me really wanted to burst out of rage and explain him what I thought of it. It’s very difficult, because France is such a country full of cliches about gay people, they don’t want to look further, they just classify the people with the only criteria “I like/don’t like him/her” or even better “He/She is/isn’t like me”. My High school was full of it too, and even if I have never been teased or bullied, I was ashamed of who I am and I punished myself for it.
Since I am in college, I have my own flat, but I feel really lonely, and lately I thought of putting an end to all my pain and troubles I have. I don’t know if this is the best solution, but I do know I won’t suffer anymore. I know suicide is the most selfish act because I’ll hurt my family, but they couldn’t understand what I’m going through, even if I explained it to them.
Lately, I’ve lost all my enthusiasm, all my hope and I gave up all my plans for the future, because I don’t feel it’s worth it anymore.
I just want to be read or heard by someone, one random person who at least knows what I’m going through, and if even I decide to put an end to it, to be remembered, because as one of my favorite character ever said : “I try to be remembered by everybody I can, because when I die, I’ll still live in their memories”.
Letter submitted by:
Thank you for writing to us at Trevor and thank you for sharing with us. If you’re thinking about suicide please try to find any kind of support, whether it’s from a friend or a family member or even a local support group or lifeline you can call. It must be incredibly frustrating in dealing with no support from your family members and you have every right to be angry, but always remember there are people out there who want to help you and who have gone through the same experiences you have.
In regards to your thoughts about the LGBT community, just remember that the gay community, no matter what part of the world you’re in, is like any other, with good and bad people. You shouldn’t let the negative aspect of the community affect your thoughts about the community as a whole. You may want to check and see if your college has an LGBT club or group or even a counseling center where you can talk to someone about your situation. Even just a quick chat with someone about what you’re going through can help tremendously.
You can also become a part of Trevor Space, a social media website for young people who are experiencing the same problems as you. There you can connect with others and ask questions you need answering.