I don’t know what to do anymore. I grimace everytime I hear my birth name and someone calls me a “she”. I break down crying almost everyday. I’ve thought of suicide and how I’d do it many, many times… I do self harm and I doubt I’d ever stop. My dad knows I have cut myself twice. Does he care? If he does he doesn’t show it. I don’t know where to turn to. All my friends compare my problems with theirs and it makes me feel even more worthless. I hate my life, I truly do. The only reason I’m still here is because I’m too much of a coward to end it.
It takes courage to reach out and share your story – certainly not something a coward would do. Many people are bad at understanding the relevance of gender pronouns and gender identity (this is no excuse). It must be really hard to cope with people constantly being insensitive to these things.
You mentioned that you feel suicidal. With all that you are going through right now it would be helpful to talk to someone. Please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. Please also consider reaching out to someone you trust, preferably an adult, such as a family member, counselor, neighbor, teacher, or anyone else you think could help.
Self-harm can be one way to deal with these overwhelming emotions, but it is important to think about some of the consequences. It can lead to infections, accidents, and permanent scarring. Checking these sites out can be helpful: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm and http://www.selfinjury.com/.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people going through similar issues as you are, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace is http://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people on http://www.trevorspace.org/topics.cfm?src=1 . Also, there are other resources and communities that can help specifically with gender: http://www.genderadvocates.org/Tyra/TYRALinks.html , http://www.transyouthsupportnetwork.org/ , http://www.lauras-playground.com/trans_support_groups.htm .
It can be very challenging to reach out and put your feelings on the line. Even though it might feel uncomfortable at first, please give our 24-hour Lifeline a call at 866-488-7386. Our trained counselors are really great at making you feel comfortable and helping out with the situation. If you need immediate support, please call 911 or visit a hospital to get help from a mental health professional. We all need help sometimes and remember you are not alone. Please continue to be brave and reach out for more help.
*my dad knows about two times that I’ve cut myself but I’ve cut more times than that… So many more times than that.
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