Until recently I was positive I was straight.
Question:
Dear Trevor,
I’m confused. Until recently I was positive I was straight. But at the beginning of the summer, I went to a party with a few friends and a couple of the girls I went with got pretty drunk and ended up kissing me and I sort of enjoyed it, which freaked me out slightly considering I didn’t think I was anything but straight at the time. A few months later, I went to camp and ended up kissing one of my closest friends in a game of truth-or-dare, and I really did enjoy it, and I couldn’t really stop thinking about it. I started developing feelings for her, and she was bi and out but I had no idea what to do about the feelings because I thought they weren’t particularly… real or weren’t romantic. We stopped seeing each other as often when school started since we go to different schools and slowly the feelings seemed to go away. After that, I put my suspicions to rest and resolved it was just a phase in a particularly horrid summer I had. But this year, I met this girl who is more or less my twin in almost every way. Recently, I’ve been getting a different vibe from her, more romantic than best friend-y. I decided this was stupid, but a week or so ago I ended up sharing the story about the party, but taking extra care to say I didn’t initiate it. She then told me this year she’d been kissed by this other girl, and had hooked up with one of her friends when they were drunk, but she wasn’t. She then said she wasn’t as resisting as I was. I could be completely imagining it, but it feels like there’s some sexual tension between us now and I sort of want something to happen, but both of us have said we’re positive we’re straight. I don’t know what to do or what to make of my feelings and whether it’s a phase or I’m bi. Please help, I don’t want to mess anything up.Jessica
Letter submitted by:
Answer:
Dear Jessica,
Thanks for writing to us at the Trevor Project. These feelings aren’t always easy to sort out, but remember, there isn’t any rush. Many people progress through life feeling the same types of feelings you do – sometimes it takes some serious self-examination to really figure them out. Your feelings are completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You may be attracted to just boys, just girls, or both. And all of that is perfectly natural and normal. Your attractions and feelings could even evolve over time. Sexuality isn’t necessarily defined by actions, it’s defined by the emotional, romantic, and physical feelings and attractions you have for others.
It may help you to reflect on the recent experiences you’ve had. You mentioned you may have enjoyed the kiss you shared with your friend over the summer and had feelings for her. What kinds of feelings were they? Do you have similar feelings for the more recent friend? Who, if anyone, do you daydream or fantasize about being with – emotionally, romantically, physically, and sexually? Have you had these feelings about boys or had crushes on any boys? The only person that can honestly answer these questions for you, is you. Your feelings can tell you who you want to be with and are attracted to. Also – It can be helpful to speak to others about your feelings. Perhaps, there is someone you can trust and confide in that might understand. Perhaps, your bi friend be willing to discuss how she came to her conclusions? Finally, I would also caution you to treat any decisions regarding your friendships cautiously – friendships are valuable – and adding romance to them can make them complicated.
I encourage you to examine your thoughts and feelings. Try to understand and distinguish your emotions. Which of your feelings are strongest? Although it’s not necessary to label or define yourself, the following site may help. http://www.bisexual.org has some helpful information on bisexuality (click on resources, then bisexuality general information and “bisexuality 101″ for some specifics). In addition TrevorChat and TrevorSpace are available here to help you explore your feelings via chatting or social networking. I think that as you become increasingly aware of your thoughts and feelings, you will be better able to understand them.
Thanks again for writing!
Trevor Staff