I’m confused. Until recently, I was positive I was straight. But at the beginning of the summer, I went to a party with a few friends. A couple of the girls I went with got pretty drunk and ended up kissing me and I sort of enjoyed it, which freaked me out slightly considering I didn’t think I was anything but straight at the time. A few months later, I went to camp and ended up kissing one of my closest friends in a game of truth-or-dare, and I really did enjoy it, and I couldn’t really stop thinking about it. I started developing feelings for her, and she was bi and out but I had no idea what to do about the feelings because I thought they weren’t particularly… real or weren’t romantic. We stopped seeing each other as often when school started since we go to different schools and slowly the feelings seemed to go away. After that I put my suspicions to rest and resolved it was just a phase in a particularly horrid summer I had. But this year, I met this girl who is more or less my twin in almost every way. Recently, I’ve been getting a different vibe from her, more romantic than best friend-y. I decided this was stupid, but a week or so ago I ended up sharing the story about the party, but taking extra care to say I didn’t initiate it. She then told me this year she’d been kissed by this other girl, and had hooked up with one of her friends when they were drunk, but she wasn’t. She then said she wasn’t as resisting as I was. I could be completely imagining it, but it feels like there’s some sexual tension between us now and I sort of want something to happen, but both of us have said we’re positive we’re straight. I don’t know what to do or what to make of my feelings and whether it’s a phase or I’m bi. Please help, I don’t want to mess anything up.
Thanks for writing to us at the Trevor Project, and for genuinely reflecting upon your feelings – sometimes that is a hard thing to do. The feelings that you’ve been having are completely normal – and common as people get older. Many girls have had similar experiences to you, but those experiences do not determine who they are or who they become. Those experiences can help you define and put your finger on your feelings – but there is certainly no deadline or requirement for you to decide that you are a given ‘sexual orientation’ now or ever (or make those feelings public).
Sexuality is very complicated – and many people struggle with defining it. Being LGBT is natural and normal (and quite common), in the same way that being heterosexual is natural and normal. You may be Bisexual, Lesbian, Heterosexual, but it is not a label, and it doesn’t define who you are. Thoroughly understanding the feelings you are having may take more self-examination and possibly, time. You mentioned that, until recently, you were positive that you were straight. What made you feel this way? Who are you attracted to? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Romantically? Who do you fantasize being with? Do you feel or have you felt the same way about any boys that you felt about these girls? The answer(s) to these questions may only be boys, they might only be girls, or they could be both – they could even change and evolve with time. Answering those questions will help you better understand your feelings, and understand if you feel more strongly about certain individuals than others. But remember, you don’t necessarily ever need to define yourself by a label, you will only want to define who it is that you love.
Crushes are also difficult to understand. It’s difficult to provide blanket advice that will work for everyone. If you determine that you like someone that’s also your friend you may want to weigh the pros and cons of revealing your feelings. Perhaps, you can get a better vibe through your interactions over time and decide what to do. Ultimately, you want to make decisions in which you feel confident, safe, and comfortable. Perhaps, you can find a good person you trust to talk to. If you find these feelings continue, when you are ready, I encourage you to talk these feelings over with someone you trust – a friend, parent, relative, etc. – perhaps, one of your friends that had similar experiences – or even your friend that is out and bi. It may help you really understand your feelings, if they are real, a phase, etc. If you’d like to explore other options, Trevor Chat (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat) is a free, online, confidential live chat where people can answer your questions. Also, Trevor Space is a social networking site you can join and relate to others (trevorspace.org). Talking to others is great way to better understand your feelings.
Thanks for writing Jessica!
The Trevor Project