Want to tell but afraid

Question:

Hi, I’ve come out to my parents and they said they love me and stuff but I can see in their eyes that they don’t care about me. Every time I try to talk to them they always say that I have to wait until my sisters are out of school because it would be bad for them. They never ask how I feel. Now, I really like this guy and he is awesome but I feel really bad that I can’t even be seen with him. I have other gay people in my family and I hear what my other family, including my parents, say about them. I’m afraid that they will hate me. Please help me

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

I want to congratulate you on making the gigantic step in coming out to your parents and taking steps to meet guys who may have common interests with you. Hopefully you, like others in your position, know that coming out is a process – it might be difficult and take time, but it changes your life, usually for the better.

You, along with everyone else who has taken the courageous step, deserve to have loving, supportive family who love you no matter what. You say that your parents say they love you and whilst they are not currently showing the support you want, you do not indicate any particular strong disapproval, so it may be that they need some help themselves. I’m am afraid that they have to come to terms with your coming out in their own time, slow and frustrating as that may be for you. It’s natural to want them to accept you immediately – after you made the decision to come out – but unfortunately not all parents can do that. They may need time to process the news and to gain understanding on how they can best support you.  The fact your parents have discussed other gay family members in the past – in ways that make you think they could hate you – is probably not a good indication of what they think of you and may relate to fears and ignorance on their part. Remember, you are their son and they have already told you they love you and stuff although it sounds like they are not yet able to show the support you deserve.

Your parents may have many questions about your sexuality and, like many parents, they may just need help to become more understanding and supportive of you. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a great organization, made up mostly of parents, which supports LGBTQ people and works to help parents and others to become more supportive and accepting of their loved one’s sexual orientation. On their website at www.pflag.org, click on “Get Support”; then click on “For Families, Friends & Allies” where you’ll find pamphlets you can, if you think it would help them, share with your parents (and the other adult family members) to help them become more understanding and accepting of you and any awesome guy you may want to be seen with. There are no guarantees but the information may help and the website could also help you to understand their position and reduce your frustration.

We hope your awesome guy or other gay family members can support you but there is also TrevorSpace (www.trevorspace.org) which is a safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24. It is a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same concerns about family, coming out and struggles. You might find a lot of common ground and wonderful support there.  We too are always here for you.

The Trevor Project