what “myself” is

Published Letter #1860 - Posted in , .

Question:

To Whom this may concern,
I’m not quite sure how to start this, but I am very confused about my feelings, and I guess I can say, I am just looking for answers. (This is an alternate email, and fake info, but a responce will still get to me.) I am 18, a girl, and have never had a boyfriend/ girlfriend ever. I guess you could describe me as “never been kissed, asked out, someones crush, or even someone possibly desirable to look at.” For about a year now I have started noticing “other” feelings. I live in a VERY conserative area, and I didn’t used to live there so my opinions have always differed from others in my school/ around me. I am painfully shy. A lot of times, I have noticed that have have had small crushes on gay celebrities, but always male gay celebrities. I have more girl friends then boy friends simply because I feel so much more comfortable around them. The only guys I have ever considered “hot” have been celebrities, and whenever my friends are gushing over a shirtless guy, I just can’t see what the big deal is. I have always thought of myself as straight, but now there are always slight instances where I see happy lesbian couples, and think, “that wouldn’t be terrible.” I would never consider sucide unless I sunk VERY, VERY low, I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. I find nothing wrong with LBGT people, and wish there were more around me to be friends with and to talk to. I guess, its just upsetting to see all my friends have their first kiss or boyfriend or prom preposal, and then there is just me, alone, again. I always wonder what other see when they look at me, I know I shouldn’t care what others think, but it’s hard not to. I love the show glee, and I love how they always tell you to be yourself, and I strongly believe that, but I am having a hard time finding out what “myself” is. I wish there was a simple answer. I just needed to talk to someone. (I will NOT bring this up with my parents, they would just brush it off as being confused.) Could you please help?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear 14th,

Thanks for your email.  We’re glad you’ve taken the time to write to us.  It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of new feelings and trying to make sense of them all – which is very common and entirely normal.  Having a mixture of feelings is natural, and defining them is sometimes more difficult than one would think.  So this is a great time to start thinking about what you want.

In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both.  You mention feeling attracted to ‘butch’ females, but you didn’t mention whether you felt attracted to males as well.   It can be scary to try and choose a category for yourself, so take your time.  And know that you don’t ever have to choose one label or another if you don’t want to.  These terms exist only to help us understand ourselves and connect with others.  And since there are many variations of sexuality, you may or may not find that one label suits you more than another.  It’s all ok.  Whomever you choose to love in a romantic way will be lucky – and you will be lucky to experience that fantastic feeling.  You can also find more information on bisexuality at http://www.bisexual.org if you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG”.

You may want to find a trusted friend or adult to discuss some of this with.   But please stay in touch with us, too!  You can always reach us by phone on The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR, and online via TrevorChat and TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org. It’s the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality/gender identity.

We’re always here for you!

Sincerely -

Trevor Staff