What should I do? Am I gay, straight or neither?

Question:

For a long time I was sure I was straight, and this is the first time I’ve ever done anything about being kind of attracted to my best friend. My opinions change from day to day, and I’m just really confused about the whole thing. Some days I wonder why I ever thought I was attracted to girls, and then I have the same thought about guys, and then I’m just not attracted to either of them.

I was just hoping that you could give me some sort of concensous of what I should do… Thanks

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

To be honest, there isn’t a quick solution or simple answer. But there are things you can do, thoughts you can explore and resources you can tap into that will help you get closer to understanding.

The first thing that will be helpful is to focus on the present. In the past, it’s likely that you have felt numerous things, including conflicting views depending on your environment or situation. But now, you have the opportunity to asses your current views and explore your attractions. Whether they be toward men or women, you are free to pursue and love whomever you please. And as you said, it may be neither sometimes  - and that’s perfectly normal. Many view sexuality and orientation as fluid, not a fixed point on a graph or definite percentage. Take bisexuality for example. Individuals who identify as bisexual have a wonderful gift. The ability to look past gender and love people for who they are, for their souls, regardless of their appearance is a magnificent way to love.

I also want to point out that you don’t have to label yourself either gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or anything for that matter. Society puts so much pressure on us to embrace a core label/identity for categorization, but this isn’t necessary. All you need to do is live your life true to yourself and to the way you were made. Now it sounds like you still have some questions in this realm, so that’s where further exploration can be beneficial and help fill in some gaps. Have you spoken to a counselor, therapist or trusted friend/adult? This isn’t necessary, but questioning your sexual orientation is very natural and sometimes it is helpful to speak with someone you can trust.

In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help you to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian or gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with, girls, guys or both. A great resource on this topic can be found here: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=726&Itemid=336 – download the PDF, “I think I might be gay… now what do I do?” And another resource is at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf – and PFLAG overall is a wonderful outlet. You can look for your local chapter here: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=803. Here you’ll find numerous supportive individuals who are able to talk these questions through with you.

I also want to recommend a resource that we have, which is called TrevorSpace – www.trevorspace.org – it’s a safe, online social network for LGBTQ youth ages 13 to 24, friends and allies. It’s a wonderful supportive community where you can connect with others who might have the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality. We also have TrevorChat, http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat, which is a moderated chat program where you can ask these same questions and receive real-time responses. And I also want you to remember that we have the TrevorLifeline, 1-866-488-7386, which is available to you – or any friends of yours – 24/7/365. If you need a listening ear, to talk out a specific problem or situation or just need some support and encouragement, give us a call! Don’t let these questions get you down or prohibit you from being yourself. Keep your head up and remember to live in the moment! There will always be questions and unknowns, so focus on taking advantage of what’s happening in the here and now.

~ Trevor