Hi, my name is Cori. I dont really know where to start, so I guess I’ll start at the begining. The summer after my freshman year in high school, I played on a softball team where I met a girl, lets call her Jes. Jes was two years older than me and that summer she helped me accept myself. We fell in love that summer. Eventually the summer had to end and the two of us went to different school so we didnt see each other often. Shortly after school started in August, I was raped by a man trying to “fix” me. I told no one, not even Jes.
It wasnt until a few months later that I realized I hadnt had my period in three months. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I spent a few days debating what I should do, and the day I decided I would have the baby and give it up for adoption was the day I misscarried. I went home that day devestated. I found my stash of Valium and took them all, planning to OD. Jes found me though, and she got me to throw up just enough that I didnt OD. I finally told her what happened and she helped me out of the depression I was wallowing in.
The school year ended and Jes and I got together again. We spent the summer months together like we had the previous summer. It wasnt until Jes had to leave for college that I realized how much I really loved her. I was going to miss her so much. The night before she left she met up with me. We were in my room (without my parents knowing) when she proposed to me. I loved her, so I said yes. We spent the rest of the night planning our wedding.
The school year started, and a month after Jes proposed to me, I got a phone call from her mother. Jes had commited suicide. Her roommate found her. I was devestated. I began failing classes in school, getting into arguments with my parents, and losing my friends. I was lost without her. I did pull myself together though, and I got my grades up and began to fix things with my parents.
Now I’m in my senior year, and I should be over Jes since it has been more than a year since she died. But I still cant get her out of my head. I miss her like crazy. I’m with another girl now, and I feel like I’m cheating on Jes, even though I know I’m not. I dont know what to do. Should I tell the girl I’m with now that I’m still in love with a girl that killed herself more than a year ago? Should I go on pretending nothings wrong? I dont know. Please help.
Letter submitted by:
First and foremost, I would like to commend you on your tenacity to keep living on and your willingness to open up about everything. I am glad you have written in to seek some support; it takes a great deal of courage to do so. It is a beautiful thing that you have met someone like Jes in your life. That was not a mistake. After losing her so suddenly, it is understandable that some aspects of your life suffered. And these thoughts and feelings you still have for Jes is because Jes was a very special person in your life. And please know that that man, nor any man, or person, has the right to force you to do anything you don’t want to. Nothing is wrong with you. You are a wonderful and strong person; you do not need “fixing.”
Going through what you’ve gone through was incredibly tough. Through it all, you’ve had Jes. She was there from the beginning. Then to have her taken away so suddenly is gut-wrenching. I think you miss her so much because she was taken away so suddenly – there was no warning. And you may very well still be in love with her, but she’s your first love, but that does not mean you are cheating on the girl you are with now. Jes opened your eyes and your heart to a whole new world; she helped you accept yourself. Regarding the girl you are with now, I think it is best you are honest with her and tell her what happened. However, considering this is such heavy, personal issue, ease into this conversation at your own pace.
It seems you are in a good place: you’re with someone new, you’re grades are up, and you’re rebuilding relationships with friends and family. However, I have listed a link to the Rape, Assault, Incest, National Network (RAINN), it is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. There is no shame in seeking help or talking about what happened to you. Also, I have listed a link to Reach Out, an organization dedicated to improve the well-being of young people. Here you can hear numerous people share their stories on every type of issue, or you can share your own. I hope they help:
Thank you for writing in to us at The Trevor Project. In addition to Ask Trevor, we have Trevor Chat, which is a instant messaging service that provides live help. Also, if you are feeling suicidal, please call the Trevor Lifeline (866.488.7386) immediately. It’s free, confidential, and available 24/7.