Lately I've been feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out. I go to the 3rd best school in the United States, but I don't want to be there. I want to live a normal life, but my parents want me to stay and get good grades. I also am a very competitive synchronized swimmer, but with all the homework and swim practices until late at night, I don't get any sleep and I just feel like I want to just kill myself. I don't know also if I am bi because I like boys but I fantasize about girls too....so I am questioning my sexuality...
You are dealing with a lot of difficult and important issues including the stress of schoolwork and the commitment of being on the swim team, feeling your parents aren’t hearing what you’re experiencing as well as questioning your sexuality. It’s concerning that these difficulties are causing you to feel that you want to kill yourself and I’m so glad that you haven’t given up on you, that you’re fighting for you because you’re definitely worth fighting for and that you wrote to Ask Trevor for help.
Abbey, please know that we at The Trevor Project care about you. We believe that you are important, that you matter and that it would be a tremendous loss if you weren’t here anymore. We are very concerned that you feel like you want to kill yourself and want to do whatever we can to keep you safe. It's very important for your safety to immediately tell a trusted adult such as a parent, relative, teacher, school counselor or doctor about your thoughts of wanting to kill yourself in order to keep you safe. If you feel you're going to act on the thoughts of suicide, immediately call 911 or get to your nearest hospital emergency room. If there's no one you feel comfortable talking with, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. Our counselors are here to talk with you about everything you're feeling and going through and want to do whatever is needed to keep you safe. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel and cause you to feel overwhelmed, can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep and eat much less or much more than usual, and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. People sometimes think about ending their life when they're feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better and helpless to make things better in their life. On www.us.reachout.com you'll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” Please know that there is treatment for depression and ways to deal with thoughts of wanting to kill yourself including therapy and/or medication. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling and going through including your thoughts of wanting to kill yourself as well as the stress your feeling from your schoolwork and being on the swim team in order to get the correct treatment to help you to feel better and to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm you can learn more about depression and its treatment. On http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/ you can search for mental health services in your area. You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area for you to talk and work with.
It sounds like you’ve tried to talk with your parents about how the pressures at your school are affecting you. They may believe that they’re doing what’s best for you by having you stay in the 3rd best school in the country but it might help to try talking with them again, being completely open with them and letting them know how the stress and pressure are affecting your sleep and more importantly, how the stress is causing you to think about killing yourself. By talking openly with them, maybe the three of you can develop a healthier plan to reduce your stress and your feelings of being overwhelmed.
You said that you don't know if you’re bisexual because you like boys but fantasize about girls too and are questioning your sexuality. You are definitely not alone as many people of all ages question their sexual orientation and this questioning is completely natural and normal. As you try to understand your different feelings, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of the both genders (bisexual), people of the opposite gender (straight or heterosexual) and people of the same gender (lesbian or gay). Some people who are bisexual have equal feelings for girls and guys, others have greater feelings for girls while others have greater feelings for guys. On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation. As you try to understand your different feelings and attractions, it can help to talk with someone you trust such as a friend, parent, relative, teacher or school counselor. It can also help to get peer support. If your school has a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) or other LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning) social and support group, you might attend some meetings. You can join Trevorspace at www.trevorspace.org the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality. Please know that there’s no rush to figure this out. You’ll know when you’re ready.
Please remember that we care about you and that it’s important to continue to fight for you and to reach out for help. Any time you would like to speak with someone about what you are going through, please call the Trevor Life Line at 866-488-7386 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone as we're always here for you at The Trevor Project.