Hey Trevor, this is my first time writing you but I just wanna lay it all on the line. I'm at a point in my life right now where nothing really seems to matter. Ever since I started high school a year ago my family has been pressuring me and telling me things that I'm gonna do and have to do as I get older. Like get a job, and moving out. I'm not worried about a job because im lazy not at all i'm worried because I have an anxiety disordeer but I dont want ot have an excuse to why I don't want to get a job. I'm just afraid. Anyway, my family aren't the type of people to listen to what I have to say. On top of that I've been depressed ever since my ninth grade year. I still cut myself not because I think of it as a way to get rid of my pain. I think of it as a distraction, no to think about life. I know im gonna have to face it someday but im just not ready too. I've thought about suicide, and I even thought about what would happen if I killed my family?? I know I sound psychotic but I would never do it. I go to therapy it helps but then it dosen't I sit there for an hour not even paying attention to what shes saying. But when I leave I just want to go back. My mother, shes a very difficult person. I know it's a terrible thing to say but I hate her sometimes but then I love her. She dosen't listen to me and she dosen't know me. But when she tries to get to know me I push her away I feel like a horrible person. I'm not a very religious person but I've prayed and prayed for my life to get better and nothing happened. I'm the most misunderstood person in the world, no one gets me no one. i just really need a miracle, something, anything, before I do something I regret. I cant keep living hating how I get closer and closer to my future and hating it. I know that you probably get a bunch of these stories everyday maybe mine isn't as important as anyone else's maybe im just complaining for no reason. Anyway, well thanks and just needed someone to vent too.Bye. I just want to end it .
Signed,
Alex, 15, Los Angeles CA
Hi Alex, Thanks you for the letter. Seeking help is a ourageous act. We are gald you could rust us with your letter. WHile thinking about your future is a great idea. Pressuring you about moving out and getting a job is not helping you. If you already have an anxiety disorder, this additional pressure could be triggering episodes.Have you talked to your therapist about the times you "zone out" in therapy? Sometimes, when people start to talk about uncomfortble issues they begin to disassociate. That is, they lose focus as a means of coping wtiht the discomfort. Talk to your therapist about those moments. Many people cut as a way to deal with stress in their life. It's important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, and sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel shame, guilt, depressed and out of control. Identifying the reason for engaging in self-harming behavior is the first step to preventing it. IS there another activity you can seek when you want to be distracted? Maybe listening to music, watching a video, writing, painting, reading...There are websites available including www.safe-alternatives.com and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut. Have you talked to your therapist about the cutting? Perhaps, you can develop other coping tactics. ALex, everyone at the Trevor Project cares about you and your well being. If you ever think you may act on suicidal thoughts, call 911 or get to an emergency room. Your immediate safety is crucial in those dark moments. Know you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. We are here if you need someone to listen.