I am questioning my sexuality, and I haven't told my parents. I don't want to tell them that I am a lesbian until I am 100% positive. I've never liked a guy past the level of 'close-friend-I-can-trust'. I've been having feelings for girls since I was around 12. I would get excited when another girl would take her shirt off in the locker room, or get changed in my cabin at camp. I haven't told any of my friends either. I also have depression, but that was figured out long before any of my feelings for others started happening. Right now, I tell people I don't like anyone, because they only ask me about guys. Earlier today, my "friend" (who knows I have depression and makes fun of me for it) was pestering me so much that I said, "I don't like guys!! Okay?!?!" from this, she decided I was a lesbian. Her response was this: "Wow. So first you have a disease that isn't even serious but makes you want to die, and now you're telling me you're a lesbian?" Now I feel terrible and I really don't know what to do. I also really don't want to tell my parents, partially because I'm not sure, and now I've been labeled as a lesbian negatively. Please help and give me some advice.
Signed,
Alyssa, 15, Chicago IL

 Dear Alyssa, 

 

Questioning your sexuality is a perfectly natural and normal experience that most, if not all, people go through at some point in their lives. Remember that only you can truly know your sexual orientation, no matter what people say or assume. Furthermore, you have every right to take your time in figuring it out. 

 

In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves a combination of emotional, romantic and physical feelings of attraction for people of either both genders (bisexual), the same gender (lesbian and gay), or the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with: girls, boys, or both. 

 

On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 you'll find the brochure "I Think I Might Be Lesbian...Now What Do I Do?" This brochure will help you think a little more about lesbianism and may help you in understanding your sexuality a little better.

 

Another helpful resource is “PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) ‘Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth’ at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf

This page can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation.

 

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether or not you should come out. Coming out can be a liberating experience, as it could introduce you to new people, help you feel less alone, and share an important part of who you are with the people you care about. But you should only come out when you feel safe and comfortable to do so. 

 

In trying to figure out whether or not to come out, it can help to ask yourself some questions including: What does it feel like keeping this part of your life a secret? Does it cause you a lot of stress worrying about them finding out? Are you worried that if you told your family or your friends, you'd be unsafe physically or emotionally? If you told your parents, are you concerned that they might kick you out of the house? If you decided to tell them and they did kick you out, it would be important to have a safety plan, meaning a safe place where you could live and continue to go to school and a way to support yourself financially.  Some people decide to wait until they are living away from home and are financially independent before telling members of their family about their sexual orientation/gender identity. If you feel now is the right time, that's perfectly fine. 

 

One thing that's truly helpful in determining all of these things is having someone to help you along the way. If you have a trusted friend, family member or adult in your life who you think would be understanding, perhaps you can talk to them. If not, we here at The Trevor Project are always available to you. 

 

TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org is the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24, as well as their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions you're having about your sexuality. 

 

Lastly, if you find that your feelings of depression are becoming too "heavy" and you are afraid that you may act on those feelings in any way, please call our Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor. Our lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

 

Take care and best wishes! 

 

The Trevor Project