I'm sorry, I know I'm probably a tad bit too old to be here but I'm afraid I'm losing myself on this downward spiral and this is the only place that I could think of. I lost my girlfriend not too long ago and that sort of just tipped me over the edge. She was the first person to ever support my being gay, and now that I've lost her I really don't know what to do. When I spoke to my family about my sexuality I was thrown out of my house. It's against our religion and therefore I was looked at as a "disgrace" amongst other things. I was abused both physically, mentally and emotionally for the choices I have made. Although I put on a brave face I feel myself quickly falling apart. Today was the first day I cut again but it's been so damn long since I had. Years have gone by without me falling into old habits but all of this hatred is getting to me and I just... I'm lost. It seemed like the only solution and I just know that if I don't do something about it that tonight when I get into my bedroom and lock my door I'll just try it a little bit deeper. I'll keep going day after day enjoying the damn rush, the momentary getaway until I end up battling for my life all over again. It's like, I'm going down this path and I know where it's leading but I don't have an ounce of control. I'm sitting here crying like a damn 5 year old trying to pull myself together but all I wanna do is smash this computer against the wall and try it again. I've never felt so lost, so useless, so broken. It's just so not even worth it anymore.
First off, you never need to apologize for reaching out and asking for help and support. Although The Trevor Project is youth focused, we care about the needs and concerns of everyone. It was brave of you to ask for help and share your feelings with us, so we can help as much as possible.
Coming out is extremely difficult and no longer having the support and comfort of someone who accepted and loved you as you are, is incredibly difficult. It can feel like a really lonely place to be. Remember that there are other people with whom you can connect about your experiences and your sexuality, a community to support you and provide comfort. Are you familiar with the LGBTQ centers in your area? It may be a little far from you but in Newark, NJ there is the LIT Social Justice Center (http://litsjc.org) which has programming for the LGBTQ community of Newark. Try doing an online search to see if there are any groups or organizations in your nearby area where you can connect with others. The internet is a great tool for making connections to people and resources. As always, we encourage you to connect via TrevorSpace with other LGBTQ individuals, who may be experiencing similar things.
In reference to abuse by your family, know that you have a right to be safe and free from abuse. Despite what you have learned about sexuality through religion, there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, gay people You can also read about various opinions on faith and sexual orientation by The Institute for Welcoming Resources at http://www.welcomingresources.org/. It is the most comprehensive and up to date website devoted to providing religious and faith based resources for the LGBTQ community.
As it is unacceptable for others to harm you, the same goes for harming yourself. While it may feel that cutting or hurting yourself is a solution to your pain, it is only a temporary release. There are a huge number of risks that come from cutting--including infection, scarring and even life-threatening results if you hit a vital artery. If cutting gives you a rush, try finding a safe alternative that gives you a similar rush (maybe running really fast or taking an ice cold shower). There are websites available including www.safealternatives.com and
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting--the dangers of it and some safe alternatives to it.
Whenever you start to feel "lost" or "useless" or broken, know that there are people who care about you and these feelings are only temporary. It will get better and there are ways for you to combat these feelings now, to make yourself feel better. Know, too, that you can always reach out to us 24/7 at The Trevor Project via The Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor (1-866-488-7386). There you can talk with a live counselor about anything that may be concerning you.
I wish you luck with finding a community and support. Be good to yourself and stay safe. You are worth it. It will get better!
The Trevor Project