Dear Trevor,

 

Hi there, I've been stuggling for awhile now, since I'm afraid I could lose my parents and my friends. Just about two years ago I broke down and told my parents that I was gay. They didn't freak out, but they were disappointed and told me that I could pray for a change. After about a month of feeling worthless, I decided that the closet was the place to be then... and right now. If I had continued to admit that I like guys, I would lose contact with all my family and about 90% of my friends. It really sucks because I've grown close to them, and I'm afraid  that I could lose them all just because I'm gay. I tried finding excuses for why I'm like this, reading medical journals and what not, but I just had to settle with being born that way. It was extremely hard to accept. I'd cry myself to sleep at times, just hoping that things would change. I've gained my parents back by being their ideal son, but how ideal can I be when I'm living a lie. My parents don't understand why I'm stressed all the time, and I just don't want to relive the coming out experience. To show how crazy I was I've spent 4 months folding 1000 paper cranes to get my wish, but it didn't come true. I'm so confused at times: they say that its okay to be gay as long as you don't act on it. Kinda like a murderer, that person may have thoughts of killing someone, but they only become a murderer once this kill someone. That confused me, and I don't understand at all how all my life I've been friends with people who would just give me up for being gay. I have tried to end my misery, and thankfully I didn't suceed. I just screwed myself up more, but I love life. I've only got one other gay friend, only one other person who somewhat understands what I'm going through. Its tough... I have no clue what to do, or what I can do to make my life bearable. Its hard seeing someone, or being his or her friend when you know they'd want nothing to do with you because you're gay. I'm guessing I'll just have to wait for it to get better, a time where my dreams will be my reality. That's what's giving me hope. And I've heard it before that you never know how your friends will react to your coming out, and while that is true, I know that even if they don't mind, they'd have to give up their friends and family just to talk to me. I feel trapped, and lonely. I wish I had the reassurance that my parents will love me no matter what. It's just that they don't understand, and they never will. Especially my dad who made it so difficult for me to come out and to stay out. And yet my parents don't ask me for straight advice: they always ask me for my opinion on home decor and fashion. :P My brother is extremely homophobic, but I sensed that he could also be gay since he likes to be hands-on with his friends. What I really need is a hug and someone to tell me it's alright. I haven't had either in a long time and I'm losing hope that my life will get better one day. 

 
Signed,
Andy, 18, Summerside PE

Dear Andy,

 

First off, I know what it's like to need some comfort, so I'm sending a big internet hug your way. You're awesome and wonderful, and though you may have people or things in your life telling you that you're not, please don't ever think anything different.

 

Next, I'd really like to commend you for attempting to come out to your parents. That's a really big step and a very brave thing to do. I'm proud of you for knowing enough about yourself to be honest with the people you love. It takes time for parents - or anyone, really - to understand that you are expressing who you actually are, and that this is not some choice that you can pray away. You're absolutely right: you were born this way, and there's nothing wrong with you. When and if you feel ready to open the conversation with your parents again, I found a Canadian website that you might want to share with your parents. It explains what being gay means, goes through some typical parental responses, and debunks some commonly-held myths about homosexuality. Click here. You might want to also refer them to the Canadian chapter of PFLAG, or Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. In addition to helping your parents, there's a section entitled "Looking for help?" that has a lot of helpful links to local Canadian organizations that should be a big help to you, as well. It sounds like part of the struggle for your parents is a religious one, and maybe that's a struggle for you too. A lot of organized religion tells us that being gay is wrong, but I can tell you with confidence that God doesn't make mistakes. You're awesome just the way you are. 

 

Regarding your friends, I recognize your struggle. It's difficult to imagine friends who know you in a particular way ever accepting you for who you really are. I would not advise you to come out to your friends if you feel like that may put you in an unsafe situation. However, think about your friends and imagine how your coming out might play out in a positive way. You might be able to get a sense of where your friends stand by introducing articles that talk about gay sports figures or "It Gets Better" videos produced by a professional sports team. You might find something on Outsports.com that could be something you "happen to be looking at" and that you might use as a measure to see how comfortable your friends are with these issues. If they're like my friends were in high school, some might start acting macho, but some might surprise you. In the end, you may have to wait until college or adulthood when you can visit LGBT community centers, clubs, bars, etc. to develop new friends, but I wouldn't give up on your friends completely. 

 

In terms of speaking with someone, I'm glad that you have at least ONE gay friend you can lean on. Even if that one person doesn't feel like enough support and you still feel lonely at times, he/she is better than nothing, right? Starting with that one friend, you can build a support network for yourself. Think through everyone in your life. Is there anyone else, some trusted adult, that you could talk to? A teacher? A coach? A counselor at school? Are there any openly gay adults in town? This may sound silly, but there are a lot of bed-and-breakfasts in your area - could some of them be owned by gay people? Or at least, people who are welcoming to gay people... Be resourceful! Hopefully, there is someone you can think of, and maybe you and your one gay friend can go and find them together! Strength in numbers! You may not have spoken to them ever, but they might be ready and willing to hear your story and offer you support. I'm so sorry that you got so low as to attempt to hurt yourself, and I'm so glad that you did not succeed. You're absolutely right: life is too great to let it go. Your little corner of Prince Edward Island needs your fantastic light to keep going, and there are people who love you. If you ever feel that low again and you don't know where to turn, please call the Distress Centre, a 24-hour hotline for help. Though you can't call the Trevor Project Lifeline, this sure sounds like a good option. 

 

Andy, take care of yourself. You sound like you're funny and bright and great. Please know that there is nothing wrong with being gay, and you are an amazing individual with so much to offer the world around you. Keep holding on to the thought that one day, all those things that make you different will become the things that everyone treasures most about you. 

 

Take care,

The Trevor Project