I am a senior in high school and have known that I am a lesbian, or at least not straight, since late my freshman year. I have been with my girlfriend (I’ll call her “M”) since about halfway through my sophomore year—two years this coming Valentine's Day. I love her dearly, but am sometimes doubtful whether she loves me as much as I love her. M says that she would only say she loves me if she really means it, and she has said so many times. However, I still doubt that.
Also, since then I have transferred schools and become best friends with a boy I'll call “Z.” I have not seen M for a few months and I am starting to feel lonely. Phone calls only do so much, you know? I have kissed Z a few times, but only in a friendly, non-romantic way. But I must admit that I love him. Not for being a guy, but for his personality; I'd readily be his girlfriend in a flash, but I am afraid of letting go of M.
It would make me feel guilty if I dumped M for Z, and I think it would feel worse if I did that and M was fine with it, because that would mean she didn't love me anymore. I want someone to give me some kind of advice on what to do.
Trabuco Canyon CA
So, let’s recap here: you’ve been with “M” for two years, she has said she loves you many times, but you still have doubts (you don’t say why); you’ve fallen in love with “Z,” who you’d be with in a flash if he wanted you, but you’d feel guilty dumping M—even though you have doubts that she really loves you—and you’d feel even worse if you dumped her and she was OK with it, because that would mean she really didn’t love you. Girl, you sound like you’re living a story line from the soap opera “High School Days of Our Lives!”
We at the Trevor Project generally feel that “honesty is the best policy” in situations like this. That means that if you are in doubt about M’s feelings for you, letting her know what you’re thinking is probably the best bet. Give her a chance to either reassure you, or to confirm for you that her feelings have changed, if that’s the case. Of course, even if she still feels the same, it may be that it’s too difficult to make the relationship work right now, since you aren’t able to see each other very often.
What’s not clear to me, Anita, is how you feel about her. Are you in love with M or do you just want to know that she loves you? Your willingness to become Z’s girlfriend suggests you might not be all that into M at this time. If your feelings for her can change, why isn’t it OK for her feelings for you to change (if in fact they have)? It always feels crummy when someone’s feelings for us change, but unfortunately, that’s a part of life. It’s something the vast majority of people—gay and straight—experience and eventually get over during their lives. It’s just a part of growing up and living life.