I cant figure myself out. I question myself everyday 24/7 am i a dude? Im out as a tomboy i dress in boy shirts. My dad keeps saying i need to start dressing more like a girl but for some reason i just cant. i feel so weird when i have to wear a dress or skirt or anything girly. My mom really doesnt care how i dress my dad is the real problem so what do i do im ony 14 im in middle school 8th grade and i sometimes feel attracted to some of my girl friends.
I am so glad you were comfortable reaching out to us, it sounds like you are struggling with a lot of different emotions. Going through all of these thoughts and emotions can be really, really hard, but suppressing them or pretending they aren't there can be even worse. It shows so much strength that you are able to be honest with yourself about how you feel. It must be really hard for you too, having your dad want you to dress a certain way and feeling societal pressure to dress in a way that reflects what society thinks is "correct," when in reality you should be able to express yourself however you feel the most comfortable. Although other people's opinions always affect us, you need to realize you are beautiful being exactly who you are - however you want to dress, whom ever you love; and being comfortable in your own skin is so important. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable for how you want to dress, present yourself, or who you want to love. Sometimes it can feel like everyone wants to put us into a certain box: boy, girl, masculine, feminine, gay, bisexual, straight, transgender - whatever it is - that is their problem. You should try not to let their pressure affect your process of taking the time you need to see how you feel the most comfortable - for your gender identity and your sexual orientation. These are questions that are not easy to answer and you should let yourself take the time you need to come to your own answers.
Although it may seem like you are alone in what you are going through a lot of people feel the same way you do - that's not to say that what you are going through is not a big deal - but it's more to let you know that it's not unusual, and that it's something that a lot of people have dealt with. Gender identity and sexuality questioning is something completely normal. It's really wonderful that you recognize who you are attracted to and exploring these feelings will only lead you to understanding yourself more. You do not need to have the answers right away but talking about how you are feeling, your attraction to girls (and/or boys), and questioning whether you feel more masculine or feminine, can lead you to a better understanding of what makes you truly happy. Sometimes reading about what others have gone through can be helpful as well. Check out www.advocatesforyouth.com they have a few helpful pamphlets on sexuality that may interest you. www.bisexual.org also has information on sexuality you may find helpful in understanding what you want and need.
Finding others you can talk to about this is really helpful - if you have a friend you feel comfortable with, that's great. If not it may be helpful to join a LGBTQ friendly group where you can meet people who have gone through, or may be going through the same types of feelings. The Trevor Project has a social networking site called Trevor Space - this is an LGBTQ friendly space for youth to talk about issues that are important to them. Your school also may have a Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) where you can find support. Check out www.glsen.com for more information about local chapters near you. It might be helpful to talk to your mom, if you think your mom would be supportive. You can choose what to tell her - it can be as simple as "can you just let dad know that I don't want to wear dresses and skirts, I don't feel comfortable in them," or you can choose to talk to her more fully about what you are feeling. Think about how you think she'd react though - if you think it might cause more problems then maybe this is a conversation that can wait for a bit. If you really can't deal with your dads comments any more than maybe it's a conversation that should happen sooner rather than later. Either way, if you have a friend or family member you can talk to about all this, it can be very helpful. They can support you before you talk to your mom, and help you process her reaction after.
Lastly, if you need someone to talk to, we are here for you any time day or night at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR, on TrevorSpace, and by chat on TrevorChat - all accessible on our main website www.thetrevorproject.org Stay strong, stay true to yourself, and in moments of loneliness or when you feel like you aren't able to talk to anyone about what you're feeling, remember we are always here for you. You are beautiful exactly who you are, and who you are becoming. By questioning all of these things you are only furthering your understanding of how to make yourself truly happy. Who you love, how you dress, and how you present yourself is a lifelong journey. Be comfortable with who you are, you are wonderful!
The Trevor Project